Marriage. Did it work for you and why, or why not?

Mods, this is 'general' and I have a burning desire to hear some answers from the mass that is DU.

I have 2 brothers and a sister who are divorced, and 2 of us are still married after 25 years. I have in-laws who divorced aftr 39 years. I want to know; what's the secret-does anyone know?

There's the secret.

other doesn't, well guess what.....you ain't going to be married anymore.

zalinda

...is wat bwings us togever today!

:rofl:

and have two people who are committed to the marriage. Whatever the deal breakers are for the two people involved, those two people have to agree to abide by those rules, even if subconsciously.

In my opinion, that's all.

A good marriage is when you both express your gratitude, on a daily basis, that your partner respects those unwritten rules of your marriage.

It works best when compromise is a success and competition is avoided. Most issues can be worked out, if the couple wants them to work out, with no winner or loser. If an issue is truly binary, like the decision to have children, the party who doesn't get his or her way has to accept the result for the good of the relationship, where the side that prevails does so gracefully and moves on.

But it all boils down to how much each side wants it, because it must be mutual.

And it's also not worked once in a while.

then not so great for 10

now, not being married is working . . .

but my baby sis is getting divorced, and I don't think there was a lack of there. They DID have other problems though.

both of the other person and of oneself

Life can get in the way, ie finances, children's issues, possible addictions, lack of fidelity, etc.
Some things just happen and some couples can't count on each other for support. I've been married for 28 years. Lots of life problems, but somehow I think we want to stay together above all else. Who knows? I don't have THE answer. I don't think anybody does.

We'd been together for years when we got married and we kind of just decided it would be nice to "seal" it, I suppose.

Small wedding (we spent our own dough on it and a great Hawai'i honeymoon).

We had a couple of very tough years with my health and that commitment just made it easier to get through.

I think there is really something to wanting to stay together. My friends who remain married all seem to have that common thread, and those that haven't managed let minor things explode into big ones. We work them out even if it means nasty arguments.

As long as they're not violent, both of us get over it and move on. Domestic violence,however, is something I carelessly omitted in my first post. That's something that blows the "want to stay together" theory out of the water.

Life can get in the way, ie finances, children's issues, possible addictions, lack of fidelity, etc.

Particularly the ones I've highlighted. These have put a terrible strain on my marriage, and I'm now considering moving on in about three years (we've been married for 19).

You learn a lot (more) about your spouse when you have children!

I have had the longest relationship of either my sisters or brother and the real kicker is I'm Gay; HA!

We have been together for 13years and we are the ones that can not get married. Fuck me..this 'marriage is sacred' line is nothing but bullshit. If marriage is so damn sacred, then they need to BAN DEVOICE.

give a damn what sex you are, you should be able to get married. Hopefully this attitude will change, but I don't blame anyone for being angry at the hypocrisy. :hug:

PM me sometime- I'm not drunk enough to discuss it in public.

and a steady diet of hugs, encouragement and deep love for over 16 years - 99% of the time. I wish everyone could be as happy as we are.

The secret?

Always, every day, be at least as polite and kind to your spouse as you would be to a total stranger. This means saying please and thank you at the dinner table, in the car, and any every-day situation where you would afford a stranger or acquaintance the same courtesy. It also means being quick to apologize when you know you are wrong. It means holding your tongue and not saying the first hateful thing that comes to mind, but rather thinking your words out carefully when you disagree and doing so with respect for each other.

Secondly, speak only well of your spouse to family, friends, and in the workplace. Let others engage in the game of piling on their spouses and tearing them down, it's corrosive and it eats away. Resist the urge to vent to your mom or your brother about what a jerk your spouse was when you had that fight yesterday.

Third, realize that about 80% of what pisses you off is probably trivial, and then let the little things slide. Most of the time, it's simply not worth getting upset over.

Once!

For what?

I have been in many wonderful long-lasting relationships with sweet, beautiful women since I was 18, about 44 years ago.

Almost all of my past loves remain close friends with me, and friends with many of my friends.

I have never married though for a multitude of reasons.

One reason is that I have too much wealth to marry a woman who wasn't also wealthy, "love" or not.

I have been sued for "palimony" once, after an eight year relationship, settled for about $60K, cheap. We aren't friends anymore...

I am very happy, amazingly healthy and now I am living with a woman, less than one half my age, in SE Asia for the last two years.

I couldn't be happier about my past life and loves and I am ecstatically happy now, truly blessed in so many ways.

I did raise my daughter, pretty much by myself, she is 27 now, and we are very close. She got married last year. I paid for everything.

Traditional marriage is so anachronistic today as evidenced by the sad statistics and sadder testimony of many veterans.

Marriage?

For what!

My two cents... Or 320 VN Dong!

But I'm happy you're happy!

Almost all of my past loves remain close friends with me, and friends with many of my friends.

I especially liked this statement. I too have a couple of close friends who were past loves. Once the pain of the present passes, such friendship can grow. Time is the best catalyst for such friendship.

obviously doesnt work for many if you were to read thru the thread and see just how many, majority.... couldnt/wouldnt make your choices and doesnt see continual commitment as mistake....

that is what i find consistent is the people that chose not to do the conventional must label it as mistake, wrong, or something to like justify their own personal choices. i prefer to suggest that your choices work for you, as another person is allow theirs to work for them. one does not have to be right, and one does not have to be wrong to validate a personal choice.

put off one because I was afraid of what they would take from me, because marriage is all about give and take. The love of money must be a powerful thing.

1). Whoopi Goldberg recently on the view, and ....... (will think of her name in a minute--had to come back to the post after i remember the second name--EARTHA KITT.)So, Whoopi Goldberg, recently, and Eartha Kitt, a while back, hit the nail on the head when they talked about marriage.

First and foremost: you need to be happy with who you are.

Secondly your spouse needs to be happy with who they are.

Thirdly, if you are each happy with who you are, and accept each other for who you each are, then you will each be happy when you are together, and you will each be happy when you are apart, so that there will always be a coming and a going, a setting free of the butterfly and a watching it return ... there will not be a demand that my spouse make me happy because i will work at making my happiness, and there will not be a demand from my spouse that i make him happy because he will work at making his own happiness ... imagine what hard work it is to make oneself happy ... to keep oneself filled, out of the empty. one's spouse has to do the same job for himself. it is in the sharing of each other's fullness that there is that promise of a marriage that works.

Dh and I have had rough times but we've always allowed each other the freedom to follow the things we want to do. He loves sports and gardening and I love junking for old stuff, gardening and art/creativity. We share many interests, but also doing our own thing has really helped us through all the rough spots.

This spring we are going to be getting HIS half of the garden all fixed up the way he likes it-except I'm designing it of course, lol-but for the most part it will be his patch of veggie bliss. He loves to stand out there and watch his darling plants grow I kid you not! ;)

:toast:

a toast to your own individualities and then your togetherness ... to giving each other space, and to finding together time and space...to a garden to be designed and the veggies that grow in it ...

:toast:

But I'm a newbie - only two years.

However, we've got some great examples to work with: my parents are married 37 years next week, and they still LIKE each other. What I mean is, yes, they love each other, but they love hanging out with each other - just being together. My grandparents were married 53 years and 57 years when one spouse died, but again, they truly enjoyed each other. At one set's 50th anniversary party, they renewed their vows, and my grandfather got so choked up he just couldn't continue. After the priest said the vows, my grandfather just turned to my grandmother and said, "Oh, I love you, Josie." And at the other set's 50th anniversary party, my grandfather laid a kiss on my grandmother and afterwards, she patted her hair demurely back into place and said, "Well!", laughing the whole time. As for my husband's parents? They've been married for almost 42 years, and they still laugh and kiss each other with such genuine affection.

I guess I've seen a lot of love from the married couples in my family. Something to emulate. Yes, things can get stormy sometimes, but I've never seen a fight that didn't end quickly. I've seen hugs and kisses and hand-holding. I've seen compromise, even if its tempered with frustration.

I really love being married. I think that my husband and I make a great team, and I think that's why I love being married to him. We're good with compromise, respectful of each other, both do our fair share, and... well, I really love kissing him! :)

Both of us were married twice previously. We lived together for one year prior to marriage.

Once past the glorious and wrenching "romance" phase, followed by the "serious talk" phase, and the melodramatic "do you really love me" nonsense, we finally started paying attention to each other as more than the person who would "make me happy, if only..", and discovered that we loved each other.

We enjoy each others company. We talk about almost everything imaginable, from philosophy, to politics, to what's for dinner, to books, to the best kind of cat litter.

There's a lot to be said for compatibility. Not just in interests but, more important, in temperament.

We don't argue about roles, and male/female duties. We just do whatever needs to be done. We kid each other about each other foibles and quirks and have come to realize that the things that irritate us about each other are the same things we find endearing.

We have our personal lives, but no secrets. We know each other, because we pay attention to more than words, so we don't have to plague each other with disguised criticism masked as concern. We allow each other to be cranky, angry, restless, irascible, whatever, without feeling the need to "fix" it. We share a need for solitude and respect it.

We are kind to each other and have no expectations, or desire, that either of us change. We are who we are.

After 27 years, we love each other more now than we ever have.

single for at least as long as I was married having seen friends jump in and out of marriages. That was 31 yrs ago and I'm still very happily unmarried.

One of the things I learned in my first marriage was that common interests are vital. My wife and I don't always see eye to eye on things, but having similar, if not identical, interests, mean we always have something to talk about. We both love books, love fantasy, space opera, suspense (she turned me on to romantic suspense, which I thoroughly enjoy). She likes paranormal romance, which I generally don't like, and erotica, which bores me.

We like a lot of the same music. We dislike a lot of the same stuff too. Similar tastes, but not exactly the same. I tend to like female vocalists more than she does...or did, I should say. We're both old-time rockers--enjoying stuff from the seventies and eighties, though she likes the party bands more than I ever did--Poison, Def Leppard, etc... We both like modern rock and metal too, as long as the vocalist can actually SING.

Neither of us like "stupid" comedies. Stupid people are not amusing. I tend to like screwball stuff...the more absurd, the better. She likes romantic comedies more than I do, but I'll watch them. We both like SOME "chick flicks." I tend to like action flicks better than she does, but she likes some of them. Both of us have studied the martial arts. We both like some anime.

She's a pagan, I'm a semi-agnostic pantheist.

When we met I told her I was a writer. She told me that, at the time, she was thinking "Oh, sure. I've heard THAT before." Until she realized I WAS a writer, and was serious about it. She got behind me all the way and now she's an editor and a reviewer as well. And I owe the fact that I'm now published to her support and influence.

We support each other in many ways beyond the obvious. She isn't as political as I am, but tends to follow my lead--even though she considers herself more of a Libertarian than a liberal. We both love animals, hence our pack of dogs. Hell, we decided to buy a house so we could have our dogs and give them a fenced yard to play in.

Our differences make it interesting, our similarities make it worthwhile.

And would it help my marriage?

It's a sub-genre of science fiction that focuses more on the interrelationships of the characters than on the technical aspects. Sci-fi lite, I suppose.

I'm sure you know what you mean.

Do you have a title or two to try out?

And are the books you write space opera?

Generally speaking. Though, with the futuristic elements to it, it's a bit cross-genre. And it IS character based, so that similarity exists too.

If you like e-books (great for the environment--instant distribution without transportation or handling costs, plus paper-free) you might start with Loki's Sin and go through that series, or you could try the first book of the other two series--"Sword and Shadow" is available in both paper and electronic formats and "Tales from the Magitech Lounge" which is available now in e-book and will be available in paper in the next few months.

Thanks for asking. :)

I tend to lump them in the same category - now that I am old and befuddled. Probably because I put those books on the same shelves? Also for a while I subscribed to Fantasy and Science Fiction = I think Asimov edited for a while. (Or maybe because sometimes I write a sci-fi thing and it becomes fantasy or vice versa.)

Your website is so intriguing and so well done. I hope you receive a gereat deal of success as a writer.

Well, it's all "speculative fiction," one way or another. Technically my stuff could be considered science-fantasy, which is a sub-genre all its own, one that relies on "pseudo-science" rather than the hard stuff. :D

"pseudo science" to be real. Have you found that Discovery magazine piece on how Time might not be real?

Well, my stuff is based on the "many worlds" theory, which has its admirers within the scientific community. It makes a certain amount of sense, at least to me. My magical system is based on the idea that energy is left over when new universes are created by a historic choice of some sort. I don't suppose that every possible choice by every single being creates an alternate universe, but, rather, choices that affect large numbers of people (or other sentient beings) split the timelines and bring new realities into existence.

I hadn't heard that about time. I find that interesting in itself for a variety of reasons. I'd be curious to know more.

A relationship that a couple commits to doesn't need to be sanctioned by the church or state. My Mate and I are common law married. We enjoy each others company and sometimes we don't, but that usually doesn't last very long (( thank goodness )), we care for one another and share like minded interests.

I am 5 of 7 children and both my sisters divorced, one remarried, one did not.

I think marriages only work if the couple is willing to do the WORK it takes to the commitment of the relationship.
I HATE it when two people who were so lovey-dovey during the trial run of the commitment, but after not being successful in their marriage and the work it takes, how they can turn into such Nasty Monsters. No longer is there that lovey-dovey affection.

The battle of divorce turns that love straight on its head.


WHERE DID IT GO???:shrug:.......... Maybe IT took a detour searching for Weapons of Marriage Destruction.:evilgrin:



The ONLY drawback to not having a "traditional wedding" is NO ONE gives you PRESENTS/GIFTS for the two people wanting to start out and share their love together.

NO Showers, No Celebrations, very little acknowledgment, BUMMER:-(

But I do honestly hope that neither of you is ever hospitalized unconscious. Do the laws for "common-law" extend as far as they should for extreme circumstances?

What makes a common law marriage?

A: Three elements must be present to form a common law marriage in Texas.
First, you must have "agreed to be married."
Second, you must have "held yourselves out" as husband and wife. You must have represented to others that you were married to each other. As an example of this, you may have introduced you partner socially as "my husband," or you may have filed a joint income tax return.
Third, you must have lived together in this state as husband and wife.

Q:If I end up going to court to prove up a common law marriage, what will I need to show?

A: You will need to prove up the elements of the common law marriage doctrine as outlined elsewhere in this article. In order to do this, you must show evidence on each point. Your own testimony can be evidence of the existence of a common law marriage; for example, you can testify that your partner introduced you in social situations as his wife, or that you introduced him as your husband. Other people can also testify to the same effect. In addition, you can ask the court to consider documents which reflect that you and your partner held yourselves out to the world as being married. Typical documents presented in these types of cases include leases signed as husband and wife, tax returns filed jointly as a married couple, and insurance policies listing one person as the other person's spouse.


We have met all three of their elements. We don't have children, only each other, 5 Kitty Babies, and a few relatives.

Thanks for your offer to celebrate...........CHEERS, to surviving long relationships:toast::party:

My unconscious hospitalized body, Mark and I would have stayed on the route that you are on.

A Piece of paper doesn't make a marrige last. That is for sure.

There are a few other benefits - if one of us manages to get a job with health insurance, the other gets the insurance also. Etc.

And we did get a few nice presents.

So right now, we have been married three years and eleven days, but have been together quite a while longer than that.

Cheers to you and your partner! And I don't see that anything prevents you from throwing, say, a silver or golden anniversary party and getting as many presents as you want!

I've never been married. Looking back, it's probably a good thing. The most obvious problem is that I don't live well with other people. I'm sure I have other problems, because occasionaly, I don't even live well with me.

Most of my familt seems to have got marriage right the second time, though none got itright the first time. I think people have to get out on their own, and learn a little about themselves as adults before they get married.

:shrug:

My X turned out to be a violent abuser, really violent, nasty stuff no one deserves. Hubby...was with what he calls his 'old girl', for some 25 years and then *she* divorced *him* which I don't understand cause he's wonderful!! A genius, art filled guy!!

Everything has turned around for the both of us in spite of what the world has had to offer, we've been in the trenches, we feel it's more important to be in love than married; we can see the future from here. And I know for a FACT that I'd/we'd rather be where we are than where we were :hi:

They say long time married couples have at least three or four "unforgivable" crimes happen in their marriages, but you either get past them, or you get divorced. We've avoided the "heinous" ones (abuse, addiction, adultery), but have definitely said things in anger that we've both regretted afterwards. We love each other, but love only gets you so far in life -- the bills have to be paid (which means both people have to be financially aware/responsible), goals and dreams have to be compatible or at least respected, and it helps if you actually LIKE the person you are with -- if you don't give a rat's ass what they think of you, then you are going to let your "worse" self show (and who wants to be with that?).

So far, I think the over used "communication" is the key. "Are you really *TRYING* to piss me off, or are you just being an insensitive fill-in-the-blank?" Its a powerful question, and I haven't always been proud of how I answer it. Then you have to dig deep, and find out what the *real* issue is -- which means "communication" isn't just about TALKING to each other, but about being HONEST with not just your partner about what you *really* want, but also with yourself. Its easy to become resentful for both people if you think "your" needs aren't being respected, whether that be sleep, intimacy, fun, or whatever, and its also easy for loving, giving people to keep putting their own desires on the back burner while they "wait their turn."

I heard a story once that struck a chord: two people were married for 35 years, and every morning they would sit down for breakfast, and every morning, without a word, the husband would cut the bread, and give his wife the heels. Being a loving woman, she would take it without saying a word, and watch him eat the slice she wanted (which wasn't the heel), but after many years, she grew resentful. Finally one day she blew up at him: "Why do you always give me the heel? Am I not good enough to get the better slice? Why don't you take a turn at taking the damned heel?"

That's when the husband looked at her in complete surprise and said, "but the heel is my favorite part!"

Ah, communication failures. Its not easy.... LOL!!!

ida, silly me, that brought tears. lol. cute story. it is so like a guy or my guy anyway. not a word. action. thanks

:rofl:

Accept them as is, or move on.

There's no secret, but money, sex and friendship are key.
Keep separate accounts and a common one - for household business and always pay bills on time. This is easy when you're both employed and when there is no financial crisis.
Over these decades we always write IOU notes to one another when we borrow from each other. We alway settle our debts and never ask why the other needs a loan.
Keep your own friends and hobbies and never give up your own personality. You don't have to go everywhere together, but you don't need friends and family tagging along every time you go out. Separate holidays for reunions and catching up with old friends are great, but you need holidays away from the crowd.
Accept that you both have habits that annoy each other so there is no need to keep pointing them out. When you're really angry, never say something that you wouldn't like to hear.
Have a sense of humor re in laws on both sides. You will never understand his family baggage so stay out of their arguments and give thanks he stays out of yours.
You have to like each other and you have to tell each other that you like each other. You also have to know each other.
Don't make events of non-events -it doesn't matter who cooks or cleans.
Always remember that people mellow but never change and neither of you is the others shrink.

I think if you like each other, the longer you're married, the easier it is to stay married. Marriage is no place for the jealous, the narcissistic, the selfish or the insecure. Laugh a lot at yourself, at your hubby and with your hubby.

Most of our friends are divorced but most of them married for the wrong reasons. On the other hand sometimes I think we were just lucky.

to see the other person as a financial and physical resource to be used solely to further your own ambitions and wishes is a marriage killer. If you encounter someone like that, run like hell.

So far I don't see it changing. We are pretty happy. We've been together for 11 years. Had to get married for insurance and other bennies though when I got pregnant. I think had we not had kids we probably wouldn't have married but we would still be together.

my parents and my in-laws are married. My brother is single, BIL is married, never divorced. I have 3 aunts who are divorced, 2 remarried and so far have had long marriages. My hubby's ex dates, but so far nothing that has seemed serious.

I have no clue what the secret would be. So many reasons why people divorce. We have two friends that are divorcing, one because of abuse. The other, to me, because it seems like the husband has unrealistic expectations of what marriage is. He's best friends with my husband. Other people seem to marry for shallow reasons, desperate reasons, etc. Who knows why some are able to click and others end up divorcing?

Hubby also had a 7 year first marriage.

I think the secret is having a common view of the world and similar values, plus tolerance.
Lots of little things about another person can be annoying to live with--if you let them get to you.

Know when to fight and how to fight. Be kind to each other. Spend time with each other away from the kids on a regular basis. Talk about money until you reach agreement on spending, saving, and investing.

When all else fails, take a walk and remind yourself why you fell in love with your spouse. Remember
you can't change someone else, but you can change how you respond to others.

And I'm the "kid" in the family...my brother has been married going on 40 years and I have a couple cousins who are push 50 years. My parents made it to their 60th (my mother used to call their marriage the "50 Year War"). Why is this? I have no clue...except we're damn loyal to a fault here.

I think the secret is understanding what's important in your relationship...focusing on the good things and not letting the little ones drive ya too crazy. We give each other a lot of room to do our own thing and always are supportive and always stand by one another when times get tough. We've always been best friends and now share more than half our lives together...kinda neat to know that when I say "remember when..." she does.

I chose poorly. I was a young woman with self-esteem issues who grew up in an abusive family. Of course, I chose someone who would also abuse and manipulate me. It took six years to get my head screwed on straight, and to declare my independence from all the excremente del toro that people can do to one another. I divorced the SOB in August of 1977 and never looked back. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate men, in fact I like most of them.....I just do not want to be OWNED by anyone ever again.

35 years and counting.

I think finding the right match is key, but that can mean all kinds of variations. My sisters and brothers are all happily married, but they are all completely different in who they chose. If I could find a commonality, it would be they make a pair, and both are getting what they want to a great extent.

I don't know the secret or key to it, but I can say we just really enjoy each other's company--we still do things as a couple (not just as a family). We also are pretty much polar opposites in many ways. He's calm and collected, I tend to be passionate.

Another thing that may have helped is that we faced some major hurdles early on. I went through several years of not so good health (sometimes quite bad) when our son was a toddler. That was very hard on him but we had the luxury of close family (mine) around to help and fortunately in-laws haven't been a problem either. It was a major blow to the marriage and our intimate life as well. He had no intention of leaving in the midst of it but we had to work out a compromise that is no longer necessary. It got us through some very rough times and now I'm healthy and our intimate life is just fine.

In our case, facing real hardships early on and enduring made us realize that we'll negotiate the little things because we simply want to stay together. We really enjoy being married to each other.

because as an atheist who always earns more than any man I've been with, I don't see the point. However my last defacto relationship lasted longer than the average Australian marriage.

Personally I don't think life long monogamy is a realistic goal for me, I wish it were because it's a very attractive idea but I can't see it ever working.

I don't think there's any secret to it. Sometimes you can do all the right things and it just doesn't work.

I mean, the reason to marry isn't money, or it shouldn't be, right?

As an aside, I think that one of my problems with men is that I earn more money and they, being from the South, can't handle that. Strangely, one of my past significant others told me that I acted like a man, and he wasn't talking about being feminine.

but that is often the reason people put forth for marriage, I'm just saying that reason doesn't apply to me, religious/culture expectations don't apply, so I personally don't see the point.

that it amounts to respect for each other, a willingness to work together, and an ability to allow each other to be an individual within the marriage.

I see too many friends and acquaintances who are in relationships where one partner simply smothers the other. They can't let them out of their sight, can't let them do their own thing, can't make a decision on their own. And many are simply willing to walk out when things get a bit tough. You have to struggle through, communicate well, and always keep humor at the ready.

I attribute no small amount of insanity to the fact that my wife hasn't dumped me yet. I'm no day at the beach. Silly woman must be in love. I'm glad she is because my life would be very dark without her.

Someone to put up with us?


:hi:

but we finally separated. Too much disrespect and mental/emotional abuse on his part, too much partying (for his liking) on mine. Plus, he was never in love with me so I was very lonely. I probably should have left years earlier but I had two small children and felt I would have been putting them from the pan into the fire. However, as they say, hindsight is 20 20. On the bright side, we are pretty good friends now and he really has gone above and beyond to help me these past 6 years.

And I never met a guy who didn't want to tame that down a bit. I guess I just picked the wrong guys. Whatever. I give up now. I'm reasonably happy alone.

confidence, individualtiy and then inevitably they worked hard at taking that away. it was a big "what the fuck" every time it happened. are you a dumbshit or what, and i would walk..... lol lol. so i hear ya. BUT.... i did find a guy that not only likes me for it but even after marriage still likes me for it.

28 years here . . .

no plans on quitting now. The time has gone by quickly.

I think there are a lot of reasons marriages don't work out, and some of it is just luck. I didn't know my husband all that well when we got married - probably not as well as i should have - and we turned out to be really compatible anyway. But I think sometimes people get married while filled with lust and don't think through to whether they're really compatible. I just had a family member get divorced and that's what happened there. Also, some people I've known have really really wanted to get married so they could have families, but weren't picky enough about the "who".

Another thing that happens is sometimes people change as they get older, and they don't necessarily change in a way that keeps them happy with each other.

And then every life change or stress can cause stress to a marriage. Baby, move, poverty, job loss, retirement, etc. Too much stress can cause trouble. This is another case where we've been lucky - things have been pretty stable.

I think that marriage takes work. You need to show respect for your partner and his/her feelings. You need to check your temper. You need to be honest. Those things go a long way to making a marriage work. But, I don't think there is a formula.

My in laws got separated last year after 35 years of marriage. Why? My MIL treated my FIL like he was her slave. She didn't show him respect, and she certainly didn't check her temper. There were other problems, as well, but there is only so long one can live under conditions where you feel like your feelings and desires aren't respected.

It's unusual for people to go through their formative twenties and remain together but despite the usual dilemmas people/couples face we always wanted each other, worked it out etc

He's a nice enough guy, pleasant to be around, smart, good provider. But he has a personality disorder. He does what he wants, and not much else. He golfs, he reads, he watches sports on TV.

He deals with problems by ignoring them. They eventually either go away, or become so big they can't be ignored.

He handles disagreements by walking out of the room.

Through the years he has made--and broken--hundreds of promises.

We have been to three or four marriage counselors, none of whom has helped at all.

He doesn't change because he can't. It's just the way his head is wired.

I have stayed, first because I didn't know how to tell my mother or my aunt. Then because we have two kids. (I know, I know: How 1960's-ish.)

I am now seriously considering getting out.

My advice to anyone considering marriage: Do personality testing to find out what's going on inside the head.

I've been married 19 years, but I'm seriously planning to "get out" in three years. We were happy with each other at first but over the years, serious differences began to emerge. At first we tried to "work through" by ignoring them, but now they can no longer be ignored. We tried taking about them, but usually this resulted in either (1) one spouse walking away, or (2) escalated verbiage. Neither one wants to change.

At first, this upset me, but now I have a "I don't care anymore" attitude. I'm 54 and wanting to spend my last couple of decades in relative peace and harmony.

was when I realized I didn't much like the person I was becoming. I had always said I wouldn't let him turn me into a bitch or a nag. Over Christmas I caught myself correcting him in front of people and making remarks that make it look like he is a perfectly nice guy married to a heinous witch!

My marriage is the best thing that could have ever happened to me (apart from my kids). 21 years and still going STRONG!!! Best hubby in the WORLD (he's looking over my shoulder as I write).

:bounce:

i told hubby about this thread and how much i appreciate it. there is so much dumping on marriage, i told him it feels good to read on this thread so many that experience marriage like we do. confirming. positive. thanks and thanks to the hubby too.....

Good examples of successful marriages help. Guess we both of came from two parent house holds where our parents had long stable mart ages. Her parents were married 58 years, mine for 62. We always seemed to find reasonable compromises on any issue we addressed. I would like to think that it was a union of equals in a partnership. There is no pat secret. Each couple have to work toward making it a success.

You do have to want it, because it's very difficult at times. There's no real "secret", though.

:hi: When's your anniversary? Ours is June 12.

My dad still thinks it's funny that I got married on Emancipation Day. :D :hi:

You Yankees can go look up what "Juneteenth" is!

Several years ago I read an eye opening study that proabably explains a lot about why I'm still with the Spousal Unit.

Couples were asked how much their thinking was "like" their partners. Whether they, as individuals, could tell what the other was thinking or the conclusions their partner was going to come to regarding a particular situation. The study then followed them for a number of years to see which couples stayed together and which didn't

I would have assumed that folks who thought more alike were more compatible. But, in fact, the opposite is the case.

Couples who had similar thinking and problem solving patterns were more likely to fight and divorce.

Think about it. You know how your partner does those things that make you crazy? When you KNOW why they do it, it makes you even crazier.

On the other hand, and this is the case with me and the S.U., when you don't know why they do things or what "makes them tick" it keeps you interested in them and by extension the relationship.

I'm a Chihuahua: body of a squirrel, brain of a pitbull (according to the S.U.) He is one of those big, quiet, infinitely patient doggies who let's small children tug at his ears. I tend to think through situations too quickly, "solve" the problem and then see it in overly simplistic or untenable terms. He, on the other hand, takes longer, sees more facets, finds the quirks, finds the inroads.

I am often in awe of his take on something, precisely because it is so unlike mine, yet it still has coherence.

We often come to similar conclusions, but at different speeds and for somewhat different reasons. On the other hand, when we disagree about an issue, we are more than willing to give the other a listen. And it's mostly because we've come to recognize that the other often has a completely different, probably useful, take on it; including things not considered by the self.

Personality-wise we're complementary. He is a little more socially at ease. I'm a loner geek. He can charm people, I have no interest in that particular "task". He can be too accommodating, I can make the tough choices. He's cautious, I'm fearless. In those ways, we complete each other.

It makes me appreciate him. I thank him daily for the smallest of tasks (even if I don't care whether they were done in the first place or not). I appreciate his effort and his dedication to US, as a unit, and our well-being. And he does the same for me.

Now, that is NOT to say our core values and interests are different. Those are very much in line with each other with exceptions that I don't find important. And I think that's the linchpin secret. We give each other space to be who we are: He likes sports. Me, I'm game to play or try any sport....passively watch it? Not so much. So he can do all the sports watching he cares to, within reasonable limits that are respectful to the relationship. Not to me....to US.

I like animation, cartoons, movies. He's only mildly interested. He went to see Sponge Bob SquarePants with me. Now that's patience. That's love.

We lived together for 10 years before we got married. We've been married 9 years since then. When I think about it in terms of how long we've had and how long yet we have, I panic. It feels too brief. How can it have been that long? If the rest of our days go by that quickly, then it will all be gone in a blink. So I've made him promise me, in those tired, stupid moments when you are trying to unwind and fall asleep, that if there is an afterlife that we will find each other. That if there is purposeful reincarnation, we will finish what we came here for so we can make our way back to each other.

I literally can't imagine my life without him to enhance and complete it.


My Favorite Master Artist: Karen Parker GhostWoman Studios

it is especially fun to put something out there cause he "thinks" so totally different than i and will give me something new. i am general, he analytical. i am aggressive, he passive. and it is so true that i take on some things cause fits my personality whereas he has picked up the things comfortable for him that i just hate... because of the difference.

i tell my boys, .... dad and i are just opposite so many ways, but it is in a compatible way. like puzzle fitting. not like we are overlapping and rubbing or grating each other. yet.... we were raised much the same ways, has the same core.

good post you have.

I am married to my best friend. She is the Yoko Only of my life. There are times when I think I am on the scene of the up-dated version of the "I Love Lucy" show, but after a few months time, I can laugh at those adventures. I'm not sure how she puts up with me, much less why. But I can say that I've had the opportunity to meet and know many fascinating people, and that of all of them, my wife is the most interesting, fun, and decent person I've ever encountered.

We are off to watch our daughter's basketball game.

That was a lot of help wasn't it?

We can sit in the same room together for hours, each doing our own thing, lost in our own pursuits with no absolutely no interaction...but let one of us make a move to leave the room and it's like a shift in the space-time continuum.

It's not for me. I find I value my Independence, privacy and freedom much more than I want to be under a contractual obligation to share my entire life with someone. Plus I am personality type that is easily bored (translation: sex with one person just ain't enough) which is a sure-fire recipe for marital disaster. I loathed all the "family" obligations and I regret having burned up sixteen years of my life proving to myself what I already knew as a teenager.

But I grew up in a world where a man's destiny was to find a nice lady, get married, and work his butt off so she didn't have to. And if you didn't much like that idea, there was something seriously wrong with you.

That was 41 years ago.

Both had incompatible sleeping habits. (They liked sleeping with other men. I didn't.)

Since then, I've found that there is such a thing as "soul mates" - and it's based in a surrender of facades. Unless folks are able to be "emotionally naked" together, seeing in each other the reflection of the person we most deeply wish to become, I doubt the relationship is worth having.

Every time I've seen people get together under the theme of "(s)he completes me" I've seen disaster. Unless we can have a committed relationship to another where each feel they are complete, even if imperfect works in progress," I don't believe there's a firm foundation for the relationship.

What he presented himself to be and what he actually is are not in any way shape or form related. It became clearly obvious on our wedding night. He was not abusive, however, so I thought it would be worth it to tough it out and see what happens. Somewhere around the 5 year mark I gave up and excepted he will never be a husband. He just isn't wired up for a long term intimate relationship. We would be much better as friends living in separate homes. I never divorced him because of a variety of reasons. Not wanting to be divorced, that fact I genuinely care about him and he cares about me, the fact he has had many health crisis and leaving someone then is just evil, questioning whether or not any man on this planet would ever want me in the bed anyway.

Of course I didn't expect it to be like a harlequin novel but I didn't expect to be a nun who has to do all the emotional work in the relationship either. I put an enormous amount of work into this just to keep it possible for both of us to live in the same house and I get almost nothing that I actually need out of it.

Now we are in a situation, after a car accident, that he has brain damage and needs someone with smarts to protect him from himself, and I need his big strong body to do what I physically can no longer do (my legs are fully paralyzed and my arms partially). So life has brought us to a place where we are mutually in need. I care about him. He is not capable of emotion anymore, he is here because it just doesn't occur to him to go someplace else.

I thought my marriage might be an oddity. I figured everyone else had these great marriages. I started talking to people and realized there are a hell of a lot of people married over 30 years who stay not because they want to, but out of habit or financial necessity.

been there and done that. Finding out on the wedding night really sucks, doesn't it?

It almost destroyed me and my health but I finally got out of the situation.

we respect and like each other.
see our individuality
i dont want to control him, he doesnt want to control me. (i think that is a big one someone owning the others power)
we compromise easily
ignore little things and no big things arise


as easy as my marriage is i will tell you something though. there is no secret, to much indiviuality and uniqueness. but... i think about getting older and with my personality i have decided i might be a person that would rather do it alone. my hubby has done nothing, i love him, good guy, .... but as i grow older (and no way i would know this about myself prior to marriage, in youth) i am feeling i want to be alone in age, independent.

most people say they want to get old with someone. my hubby being one. i though have never felt what the masses feel, have always felt the opposite.

so.... this here would end a marriage for no other reason but that is who i am. not that it will, i wouldnt do that, but if i were selfish enough, or i become selfish enough in later years.

there is no answer to your questions

i would say that it is allowing each person their own power within a couple, but even that wouldnt work for some people because their needs and wants are different than mine

that is why the golden rule doesnt work. do unto others as you would have done unto yourself

what i want surely is not what another would want, so i would have to do the best i could in deciding what another wants. not assume their wants are the same as mine.

It's great fun.

Gender doesn't matter in our relationship other than the mechanics of sex. We don't have preconceived ideas and stereotypes and roles and stuff in our heads about how things should be. We accept things as they are and see each other as total equals. All right, so my husband does do all the cooking and housework and stuff, but he was the oldest of five and I was the spoiled baby and he knows how to do that stuff and I don't. But I would try if he wanted me to.

Sometimes we annoy each other but we get over it and try to change a bit - like after several blowups after he shouted at me when I didn't hear him, I've noticed that now he just patiently repeats himself. And I am slowly learning that sometimes he takes things personally when I didn't mean them personally and how to word stuff better so he won't think it's personal.

Also, we're best friends first, romantic partners second. Yeah, he's cute, but his looks aren't why I was interested in him. It was when I went in his dorm room and saw so many of my favorite books on his shelves that I first thought, "Hmm."

We do have some differences to make things interesting, but at our cores we're scarily similar. We agree on politics (way far down in the bottom left corner of the political axis) religion (none) and kids (never ever ever) and even money (it's good to have enough for the basics but it's not the point of life).

So yeah, marriage is working for me and I foresee it working for the rest of my life.

I think most of what kept us together through those rough times is that neither of us ever considered divorce to be an option. I recall a time when I had to keep telling myself that I HAD to make the best of things because if we split I could never raise our 2 boys on the money I was making. Then there were a few years that I took refuge in my job. If hubby was being a jerk, I knew I could always go into the office. There was always a lot of stuff that needed to be done, and THEY appreciated me.

We're both getting old now (64 & 65), and I'm really gald we stayed together. Neither of us is perfect, but we still love each other.

i forgive
i don't criticize
i do my chores
i know when she's not in the mood and don't even try
we tell each other EVERYTHING

and feels so much like my husband. had to giggle as he was coming up the stairs, what he says. lol

me in her life.

I was married to an emotionally abusive person for 9 years. I was left with a feeling of not wanting to have a relationship ever again, too fearful of repeating that mistake.

Now I have some perspective. I've been divorced as long as I was married. I am hopeful someday I can find a relationship that I can enjoy and not feel abused. I don't know.

...and wife decided she "didn't feel the same anymore." Go figure.

Does this mean marriage isn't for me? I dunno. I can't speak for her, but I know I was loyal throughout the whole thing, and my feelings never changed. All I can say for sure is that I wasn't for her.

The first few years were nice and lovely, then differences began to develop and it's been downhill ever since. I'm figuring on another three then I'm gone.

It's been fun, but I want to live my last couple decades in peaceful serenity...

On edit: This is the only current neo-con Republican philosophy I subscribe to: "Mistakes were made, it's time to move on..."

because of substance abuse issues (theirs, not mine), but I think I've got it right the fourth time.

I think the secret is for both partners to work at making it work.

She is my best friend, not sure if that is the secret or not

My brother has been married for 27 years.

"insanely in love" I like that! :hi: seemunkee!

I think the most important thing, first and foremost, is commitment. You can't always be thinking "I can walk away from this". You have to be committed to the marriage. Neither one of us think about our marriage in terms of it ever ending. We chose to build our lives together, and that means something to us. We've had plenty of obstacles along the way, but walking away from each other was never something we considered. We faced those obstacles together.

Also, you have to grow together. It is vital to have similar interests and goals in life. We've both changed some since we got married - but we've changed in the same direction. Mostly, it just naturally happened because we're a good match, but that also takes effort. See point #1.

No secret... we just stuck it out and we are still here.

:shrug:

Agree there is no secret. I believe we've been extremely lucky.

No secrets..lots of respect, communication, and common interests. z

I admit it: Two things that send me running like a cheetah when faced with them are 1)Long-termed commitments 2)Obligation and responsibility.

And guess what? I'm a chick!

When I was growing up in the 60s, it was the last vestiges of women in traditional roles--we couldn't even own property, and were turned down for a job if a man applied. But even before Gloria Steinem was a blip on the radar, I announced that I would never get married. I think it was in 1967 and I was 12 years old, before I even had a serious boyfriend.

But unfortunately, social pressures being the way they are, I was only able to stick to my vows of spinsterhood for another 28 years: I finally caved in and married my live-in when I was 40.

We got divorced when I was 41.

So yes: follow your heart, but if it says you're better off staying single, don't let friends, family or partners talk you out of it! I should have known better, but I let myself be persuaded and so far that was the worst year of my life! Happy now at 53 with scattered dating because the pressure is off. It's not like it was in my 20s and 30s.

And I'm still hot! It just comes in flashes now :evilgrin:

I don't know what the secret was. We just got along well and my late husband was a saint in allowing me to be me instead of stuffing me into a "wife" box.

it turned out to be a disaster. The only good couples I know are unmarried.


JD age 33

I think our secret is we don't take ourselves too seriously. We know we're human and make mistakes at time. We don't hold it against each other. And we make each other laugh. Other than that, I don't know. We just seem to fit.

You have to be determined to stick it out when it gets bad (and there will definitely be bad times). I also agree with the poster upthread who mentioned Whoopi Goldberg's perspective: each person must be an individual with their own confidence before you can create a successful relationship.

I would also add that you have to have a history of love, passion, good sex, great discussions, good times, respect, and shared goals to tide you over the rough spots. You have to know and believe that those good times are sooo worthwhile that you will do the work, or grit your teeth and wait it out, in order to get back there.

I am one of those who "knew" (as did my husband) instantly from the first moment we met that we would be together - in fact, we went out to dinner the same day we met and I moved in with him that night and have never left. In my humble experience there are such things as soul mates, or kindred souls that "recognize" each other from past lifetimes, and this also reinforced my will to stick it out - to discover all of the answers to that powerful moment of "why" and "how" we knew.

He still surprises me with who he is, how he thinks, what his reactions will be. One thing's for sure, I'm never bored with him.

the guy you want at 17 isn't always the one you want at 35. So, that was that.

a mate that had experienced life, and like myself, battle tested. Our maturity really helped. Honest has helped us stay together.

37 years, my spouse is my best friend

The divorce affected us greatly in our teens. It was huge. However all 4 of us are now in longterm marriages with 0 divorces and none on the horizon. But maybe our parent's divorce helps us to know that divorce is always possible--there's not one of us who would stay in a bad relationship for a minute. We learned from experience that things can be a lot better after divorce, and none of us have an idealized view of marriage.

To me, there's no big secret about it. No one-size-fits all recipe. If you don't want to be married, don't do it. If you're married or in a longterm relationship and the good outweighs the bad and there's love, then keep that going as long as you can. If you are unhappy and/or fighting a lot, get a divorce. I'm inspired by older people who get divorces. Yes it's sad but also an indicator of wanting to move on and believing in something better in the future than a dysfunctional situation.

I know there seem to be marriages that thrive on fighting, but it doesn't work for me. I believe that while it's OK to express views, express anger, vent a bit at times...its' very important to resist getting into the endless rounds of haranguing, abusing, & discharging all kinds of bile on each other--that is just a deep rut, not a marriage. If there are too many grudges between you, consider divorce.

not adverse to marriage, it just seems to elude me....

Married at 20 then three children later divorced at 28. Married my running partner in 1993 because my mother was sick and she wanted to see me happily married. I didn't want to get married again but the family pressure was great. Oy. Divorced the year she died 1995 been single ever since even though, I had a rough relationship that resulted in a wonderful daughter. I never married shit dog the home wrecker, but our child is a gift. Marriage is just not for me. Peyton on the other hand is a miracle. Having a baby at 42 is a fucking trip. It's wild and so tiresome but a little kid just makes life so much fun.

Wedding day -- February 4, 1973


This is my third marriage -- celebrating 35 years on February 4, 2008. After two marriages and two divorces, I was scared as hell about this one! We've weathered many a storm and sometimes I don't know how he puts up with me, really.

Mother's Day 1973


We raised my two children and his three children (his first wife died of cancer after they were married for 14 years.) We had a very busy home which was not perfect. There were five children and two full-time jobs. My mothering and stepmothering was not the best, but I'm a much better grandmother. All five children are grown and married and have children of their own. We're in touch with three of them, along with their five children. However, two of his daughters are estranged, but it isn't that we didn't try to put away their laundry list of our foibles.

The two of us share some abilities, but he has far more real knowledge and aptitudes than I do. He is logical, analytical, intelligent, stubborn, caring, and faithful. His interests are digital photography, travel, financial matters, and much of the shopping (food and hard goods).

Our lives together have changed so much in retirement, and now we are almost constantly on travel. He loves hot weather and I love it cool. He stays up late at night; I prefer dawn to dusk. I love to write and talk. I'm a lousy cook but a great laundresss, also like to socialize on the Internet -- not so much in person where I feel somewhat uncomfortable. I am hard headed, but smart at the same time. I love movies, children and young people, dogs, poetry and nonfiction books, theater, music, and dancing. I still think I'm fun to be with, except when I am dark and brooding about something really difficult.

But I love him and I can't imagine life without him, really. I am glad I married him because I am an only child, my parents are dead, and my first cousins are far away.

Cordially,

Radio Lady Ellen

I guess I live better alone. Sad but true.

until I unpacked the sex swing, KY Jelly and the cactus apples.

My current wife says that I am "pain in the ass sometimes, but worth it".

24 years now, who would have thunk it?

:shrug:

I have rather poor stick-to-it-iveness, and am rather independent, so I have problems in that institution.

:loveya: Coming from divorced parents, I knew I didn't want to go down that same path. Having a stable, loving and nurturing relationship is a huge source of my personal happiness.

My husband and I are more alike than not, in basic personality styles. We're both social, friendly, optimistic and we have similar life values as well. I'd had enough of those "opposites attract" types of relationship to know that, for me at least, they don't work in the long-term.

We give each other a lot of freedom to be with other friends, take time away or alone, etc..as well as to make sure we nurture our precious alone "couple time" too, by taking regular date nights. We've been doing that ever since our kids were little. They are 11 and 14 now.

Shameful acts we engaged in that must never be revealed.

1 - the Joe's Crab Shack Pact. We knew it would be bad going in, and yet we went. And we ate terrible seafood dinners and witnessed the public humiliation of the waitstaff who at one point all had to climb onto chairs and perform the Macarena.

2 - the Hillary Duff Pact. The children were down for the night we sat and watched a movie rerun on the Disney channel starring Ms. Duff in order to catch up on the finer plot points we had missed earlier in the evening due to the children's raucousness.

3 - the VH1 Pact. We spent an entire Sunday watching William Shatner present 1,000 of American's most bestest 1-Hit Wonders and we were lying in bed the entire time and never left the house or even got dressed the whole day.

4 - the Cat Pee Pact. A sick kitty climbed onto our bed one night and peed near our heads, and we actually tried to reposition ourselves and had a 5-minute debate as to whether it was strictly necessary to get up and change the sheets right at that very moment or if this was something that could wait until the next day.

5 - the Blueberry Pie Pact. Neither of us remembers what it was about, just that it involved a pie baked by my sister-in-law and hopefully it's been long enough by now that it will never come up in family conversation.

There are others of course and the list is ever-growing. A periodic rundown of the list helps us remember we are stuck with each other due to being unfit for decent human companionship.

thanks for sharing. a strong point for being married. yes

no one in real life has ever heard about the Cat Pee Pact.
:hi:

that's what I've noticed about my long-married friends

but i always have soemthing to do or can always entertain me even when i am with another person. bored is something i have never had in marriage, but then i just dont have it in live so to speak. or there is something for me to do if i where to ever get bored. get unbored.

I can always find something to do....if not for me, then to help someone else. I equate boredom with laziness.

for someone he met on-line. I wanted to make it work...him, not so much.

On the other hand, my folks have been married for 51 years and while they have had their ups and downs, they love each other and it shows. They make it work and continue to do so.

Wish I had been as lucky.

I suppose we are still together because we are both so stubborn- my ancestry is German (Protestant) and his is Irish (Catholic). However, neither of us are into Christianity, other than as a subject of study.

He managed to stay around during the long years of my untreated depression; now I am caring for him, in what is likely the last year of his life. Strange how things work out, but after discussions and apologies, we have a much better and still loving relationship. I just wish that it didn't have to be this particular way.:cry:

thru, so many people sharing their experience in marriage. and all the different angles and perceptions. it has been good for me to read today and i thank all that have shared. i will enjoy as i continue to read what is shared.

I'm divorced, and because she waited until AFTER the kid was born to have an affair and decide she didn't want to be married to me anymore, I can't just close the door on my past. I have to see her twice a week. And I have to listen to my kid cry sometimes when daddy leaves him with her on Mondays.

But despite this, I'm still hopeful about finding somebody and doing it all again.

I'm either optimistic, romantic, horny, or fucking stupid.



Perhaps a combination. :shrug:

that doesn't allow me to marry.

But, my SO and I have been together for more than ten years and neither of us have killed each other yet.

Does that count? :)

No point in doing it unless you find that person. Otherwise you won't be happy.

I was married in my early 20's (big part of the problem). I was still evolving as a person, and so was she. We happened to evolve away from each other. After 5 years together (2 in a relationship, 1 living together, 2 married) we separated. A year later we divorced.

As an aside, I probably would not get married again until my LGBT brothers and sisters were also allowed to marry. A right denied to some Americans is one in which I'm not particularly interested.

:sarcasm:

don't have any advice for anyone.

My parents and all the relatives on mom's side of the family (her brothers) are still married -- one wanted a divorce from his wife, and after citing his reasons and both of them working on the reasons, are still together. (depending on the couple; it's been 25, 35, or 40 years...)

It was a commitment that we both took seriously. I remember the day he proposed. As he was hanging his cloths in the closet (we had decided to more in together first) he aid to me "It's not that I want to... but if I did... would you marry me?" I looked at him and told him that since he didn't really want to.. I wasn't going to tell him. But I knew then we would be married. It happened about four years later. Both of our families were against us, waiting to say "see I told you it wouldn't work" so I think that made us dig in our heels. Besides, We were friends, we had the same values and shared the same goals of making a better life for both of us (he had a car and a job, I had a job and a home). He was more tolerant than I was, he helped me to become a better person.

My first marriage didn't work so well. My wife cheated on me which I discovered wasn't something I could forgive.

That was 10 years ago.

I recently got remarried and have faith that it will work out. But I think marriage as an institution is flawed just as we as humans are flawed.

He went crazy and tried his damnedest to take me with him or kill me trying.

I really am not interested in getting married again. Whether my present relationship persists for 50 minutes or 50 years is ultimately nobody's business but his and mine, and I rather like it that way. Why fuck up a good thing?

Having someone to have really good conversations with is the key, I think. Plus valuing and respecting each other enough for each to put the other's needs equal or ahead of their own.

you don't want it it won't "just" happen, you have to be willing to compromise, ignore bad habits, laugh at mistakes, and be happy with yourself and who you are, and respect each other for who you are, don't try to change them.Oh and dream, ALWAYS have a dream, because if there isn't a dream to go after it's just merely existing!:toast:

and we are happier and closer now than we ever were. Sure we had and continue to have ups and downs, but you can't let small things turn into big things. In our marraige there has always been mutual respect and support. The other thing I think that is important is we have continued to become closer FRIENDS as the years go by. We have raised two beautiful daughters, who also remain close to us, and one of them is about to present us with our first Grandchild in March. So that is a whole new chapter of our marraige that we are looking very forward to.

and fell a little in love with you, wink.... dont take too personally, love is easy for me and free to most all...

i like the happier and closer. though only 14 yrs into it, that is what hubby and i are finding in our relationship too. so many talk about being bored, but for us.... it is all just getting better and better...

for the anniversary wishes and probably THE nicest response I ever recieved on DU. And you flatter me (I'm blushing a little right now) but I know what you mean, I don't take it to personally. It sure sounds like you and your "hubby" have a great thing going, the being bored stuff is just a bunch of nonsense that some people use as an excuse. To me what they call boring I call comfortable and there's nothing wrong with being comfortable. Anyway thanks again for the post and Best wishes to you and your hubby, may your life together continue to bring you the joy and happiness you both deserve.

and right back atcha

Started dating in 1989. Married in 1992. Still going very strong, even more intimate and intense the last two years actually.

Keys for why our marraige works.

1) We are best friends. She was my best friend before we started dating. Sex and romance ebb and flow through the years, but the friendship is ALWAYS there.
2) No jealousy. Neither one of us has a shred of jealousy, physical or emotional, about the other.
3) Absolute Trust. Fits in well with number 2.
4) Forgiveness. We aren't perfect, we both make mistakes. But we are slow to anger, and quick to forgive each other.
5) Honesty. We are both brutally honest with the other. Sometimes such honesty can hurt. But it's necessary for true communication.
6) Similar compatability. We are similar, but not identical, in the way we think. We often use different logic to come to the same or similar conclusions about an issue.
7) Sex. Physical passion is important. Sure, it can ebb and flow when one or the other is sick or distracted, which is why the other aspects are also critical. But we've been passionate for 19 years and we sure aren't going to stop now.
8) Respect and courtesy. "Please" and "thank you" go a long way.

two time loser at marriage:(...don't think it's in the cards for me, but i'm alone and happy 90% of the time. parents have been married for 53 years (as were grandparents), but me and my siblings have all been married twice. sister is still married to second spouse, brother is div. twice like me. all of my cousins (about 12 of them) have been married and divorced at least once. most of us are boomers and my aunts and uncles never divorced. our generation took the blows. i don't know anyone who hasn't been touched by divorce, sad to say...

Second time - yes. 33 years coming up in May.

So far so good.

Mz Pip
:dem:

I am still married to my first wife (GREAT COOK) and I am happy as a clam. Don't know how my wife feels though. I am a smart ass sometimes. I think she has her ways of keeping me in line. Thats about it.

Don

bah hahahahah. lol lol. you are such a guy. lol. wink.

and cute

So I just went into the other room and asker her what she thought about my previous assessment:

>>>Don't know how my wife feels though. I am a smart ass sometimes. I think she has her ways of keeping me in line.<<<

And she concurred.

She is a great old gal. She prepared a great meat loaf with all the fixens tonight. Eggs and asparagus sandwiches for breakfast/lunch earlier too. And I helped a little too. I am in heaven. Really.

Don

too sweet. the best

Met in Berlin (then West Berlin) in 1974, finally invited to our own
wedding by my brother in 1982 (we never got around to it--he invited us
to his wedding and we made it a double). It was the most peaceful
parents' table ever at a wedding. The three sets of parents were
from the USA, Germany and Japan, and they just smiled at each other
the whole time, since none of them spoke any of the others' languages.

I never ever get tired of being her partner of choice, if a little amazed
that I am her partner of choice after all this time. Even at age 55, my
wife could basically have any guy over 40 she wants, and she still sticks
with me (she is nearsighted, and I hide her glasses a lot). I definitely
got the better end of the bargain, but I'm not complaining.

i have read three men (two above you) and have so valued and appreciated what you share, with your significant other. just tickles me so, and joy in the heart to listen to you men talk about your marriage and your wife.

a real thrill reading your post. thank you

Not everybody lucks out like I did.

I never won anything else, but I'm happy with my jackpot here.

stories with me! I do appreciate it. :hug:

This is the one and ONLY time I'll ever be married. 15 years so far. Death or divorce will end it for me. If my husband wasn't exactly who he is, and the circumstances weren't exactly what they were, I'd never be married. Never thought I would be. Never was on my list of important things to do, or even think about.



(Went ahead and had the kids though, to paraphrase an old Doonesbury cartoon)

edit;, Why? Because their is no-one's company I enjoy more, even when we're pissed at each other. I'd rather fight with my husband any day over bullshit than subject myself to certain--we'll say types-- of people I know. The other thing is our personalities balance each other. Love? Of course.

That's one of the secrets. Don't get married until you do, or come close enough. That means different things to different couples. Intellectually, spiritually, physically, sense of humor, in many ways. I found my soul mate long ago.

In my opinion, marriage is not necessary, but when having kids it is practical. Also, living in sin for several years is always a good idea for testing compatibility. Keeping a marriage romantic can be a challenge. So put enough energy into that, keep the flame burning.

and if you could all the time we spent messing around first, 27 yrs together. I was 18 when we met, he was 27. Now we're both older, fatter, more wrinkly, in worse health, but still laughing, loving, and living it up. Sometimes we fight...when his expectations and mine collide. He puts up with books everywhere, a wife who spends half her time talking to imaginary people (that's a fiction writer's life), and who can't cook or see messes so doesn't clean much. I put up with certain habits, his money worries ('we're going broke' every three months but somehow we never do), and his inability to fix *anything* until it is a well-aged problem. We make vile puns, laugh uproariously until we can't breathe, and have almost nothing in common except our child. Oh, and a never-ending card game.

I figured out a long time ago that I would not always be 'in love' with him but that if I waited, I would indeed 'fall in love' again. Over and over and over...and he's the same with me. We don't stray but we don't always love each other as much as we have in the past or will in the future. I almost left him a couple of years ago because I just wasn't getting much emotional support when I needed it, but I stuck around and things changed for the better. (Another reason I didn't go was because my folks had divorced when I was a youngster and I knew how much that sucked.) Love isn't steady like a flat-line on a monitor -- that's death. Love goes up and down like a heart-rate but if the underlying relationship is healthy, love comes back. Too many people toss a good relationship because there's no more 'magic' but they're creating a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

(yeah, instant attraction, but six months of "just friends" before we started dating)
and 2) two basic rules: no beating, no cheating. I figure we can work out just about any other issue, but those are the two I just WILL NOT tolerate.

It's worked for 24 years so far!

He's such a part of my very happy life that losing him would be like losing an arm or leg.
Is he perfect? nah... but then neither am I.
But he is truly my best friend.

"Be kind".

I was once at groom's-dinner sort of occasion, where it's a tradition for the guests to each take a turn offering advice to the bride and groom. Most of the advice was about finance and stuff like that. When my mother's turn came, she just looked at the couple and said, "Be kind. I wasn't kind to either of my husbands, and they weren't kind to me. We made our lives a hell. Be kind, and your marriage will last".

Well, as an intimate friend of the happy couple, I know that they did not heed my Mom's advice. They were not particularly kind to each other, and they were divorced within three years.

Mrs. Ed and I have a happier tale to tell. We've been together for seventeen years now, and we're certainly lifers. We each have many faults, and we are faced with the usual difficulties, but we are habitually kind to each other. That makes all the difference in the world.

Be kind.

we greeted each other the way our dogs greet us at the door.

That being said, I did go through one divorce but that was back in the day before I realized I deserved to be treated well. I had the perfect person in my life when I was 18 but he seemed 'too' nice to me. I kept him as a best friend but we eventually stopped being friends for a while because he had feelings for me.

When we were apart I still thought about him often and fondly. I finally broke down and called him but he was engaged and they 'had already sent out the invitations to the wedding.' All of this even after laying it on the line that I was ready to settle down and he was the first one I thought of when thinking about who in my past would make the best father. So he married and moved away but this time we kept in touch.

He came to my wedding and we stayed in touch still. He moved back after getting divorced and then I finally got divorced. It was then that we got together. We confided that no matter where we were in relationships we always thought of the other person whenever there was good or bad news. We have the same sense of humor and we like a lot of the same things. He says I am the funniest woman he has ever met. I adore him and think he is witty as well as funny. (and intelligent) We have a foundation of being best friends, off and on, before becoming husband and wife. We have been married for ten years and he still turns me on and makes me laugh. He is just as happy with me. And you know what? I was right when I said what a great father he would make. He is amazing in that way and so many more.

Marriage did not work the first time but it has worked perfectly this time.

I've been married twice. The first time for 10 years, the second time for 12.

One primary reason is that I was raised by a single working mother with a history of only engaging in relationships with abusive men. It colors one's view of relationships, and of men, growing up with that.

My first marriage was one of rebellion against my mother, straight out of high school. I married the boyfriend she was most horrified by. I stuck it out for 10 years and 2 kids, just because she could never make a relationship work, and I was determined to do it "better" than her.

My second marriage was to a childhood crush and long-term friend. I grew up with his parents mentoring me, and we were close friends all the way until I graduated from high school, got married, and disappeared into a destructive marriage. I dated several people in between marriages, but was drawn back to him like a homing pigeon. I'd always loved him, and there was always attraction. He was so safe; I'd grown up with his family and already felt like a part of it. We had 11 good years. He loved me, but he wanted me to be different than I am. All the things about me that he loved, that attracted him, conflicted with what he wanted in a wife. It was okay that I worked and had an independent life of my own. He also wanted me to manage our married social life. That, and disagreements with the way we were raising my sons, and a risky new job, led him to a classic midlife crisis. He ran away, had an affair, evicted me from the marriage, and is now living (unhappily) with the woman he had the affair with.

I found that I'm much happier not having to accommodate the lifestyles of someone else. I loved my second husband, and still do. I like, though, not having to plan meals, chores, social life, or entertainment around someone else's schedule.

I've been single for 7 years now. I will never marry again. I'm content being on my own.

Not to say that I don't miss having someone to help with heavy chores and certain entertainments, but that's no reason to get married, lol.