Help! I need someone with some editing skills...

I wrote this letter to the editor yesterday amidst my grief/anger about a certain candidate dropping out, of course it's ridiculously too long...sent it to several papers and one of my local ones said they'd try to publish it if I get it to 200 words. Since I wrote it, I'm totally attached to the whole thing, and struggling mightily to cut parts...any help would be much appreciated.

I posted it here yesterday:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=132&topic_id=4302759&mesg_id=4302759

TIA! :hi:

What you'd need to do now is stick it in a word processing prog and get a word count. If you're over, go over every sentence and see what you can take out. Good letter!

John Edwards’ message spoke to me and made me believe we could recover from all of the damage that has been done. For the first time in my life, I donated money to a political campaign (and, like many of his supporters, could not really afford to do so) and I volunteered my free time phonebanking and gathering signatures for him. I felt like I was working hard to elect the person who could save our country, bring back our standing in the world and finally DO something about all of the things that have been overlooked for too long.

There ARE Two Americas. John Edwards was fighting to give voice to those people whose best interests have been overshadowed by the corporate entrenchment and partisan gridlock in Washington. He was the only one determined to truly do something about the influence that corporations have in our government, and he didn’t owe anything to any of them, so I believe he would have.

Those same corporations own our mass media and infringe on our democracy by turning the election into a horse race. They cost us the best candidate we had in what is certainly the most important election of my lifetime. I had real hope for us with John in the race. Today, faced with choosing the lesser of two evils come November, I have none.

As I watched the media marginalize John Edwards for the past year, I grew more and more disgusted with our country. In a self-fulfilling prophecy, their lack of coverage in many ways forced him out of the race. Today they were all too eager to cover his departure and speculate that a lack of getting his message out did him in. Don’t they realize that they’re to blame? When Edwards had coverage, such as at a debate, his numbers surged. If his message was heard, people liked what they found. I don’t understand the mainstream media’s fascination with having the nominee decided as quickly as possible. We’ve been forced down to the two so-called history-making candidates after only four states with delegates have voted, when Edwards’ presidency would have truly made history. What happened to your vote counting for something?

The media has impeded our democracy by turning the election into a horse race, and in doing so cost us the best candidate we had in what is certainly the most important election of my lifetime. I had real hope for us with Edwards in the race. Today, when I know that in November I will have to hold my nose and choose the lesser of two evils, I have none.


I basically lopped off your first couple graphs, then added some to your last two. Your second to last graph is kinda the meat of your argument.

I got it to 300 with that method, and sent it to the guy anyways telling him that was where I was at but still working to get it to 200...here's with 300:

John Edwards’ message spoke to me and made me believe we could recover from all of the damage that has been done to our country, bring back our standing in the world and finally DO something about all of the things that have been overlooked for too long.

There ARE Two Americas. He was fighting to give voice to people whose best interests have been overshadowed by the corporate entrenchment and partisan gridlock in Washington. He was determined to do something about the influence that corporations have in our government, and he didn’t owe anything to any of them, so I believe he would have.

As the media marginalized him for the past year, I grew more and more disgusted with our country. In a self-fulfilling prophecy, their lack of coverage in many ways forced him out of the race. Today they were all too eager to cover his departure and speculate that a lack of getting his message out did him in. Don’t they realize that they’re to blame? When Edwards had coverage, such as at a debate, his numbers surged. If his message was heard, people liked what they found. I don’t understand the mainstream media’s fascination with having the nominee decided as quickly as possible. We’ve been forced down to the two so-called history-making candidates after only four states with delegates have voted, when Edwards’ presidency would have truly made history. What happened to your vote counting for something?

Those same corporations own our mass media and infringe on our democracy by turning the election into a horse race. They cost us the best candidate we had in what is certainly the most important election of my lifetime. I had real hope for us with John in the race. Today, faced with choosing the lesser of two evils come November, I have none.

is that a newspaper editor is likely to lowercase "are," which changes the meaning of your statement from reiterating Edwards' campaign message to simply repeating it.

I actually work as an editor in a newsroom, so these things come naturally for me. :)

Though maybe it would be easier with stuff other people wrote... :)

:hi:

And I would probably just end up going with the fabulous terse response downthread :)

Things, "Sadly," and "virtually" probably aren't necessary. You probably could leave out the part about phonebanking because you really don't have to establish yourself as an authority on being passionate about John Edwards. That's just my take.

Fuck you, MSM!

The best part is that this is Pittsburgh's conservative paper getting back to me. Amazing!

John Edwards’ message spoke to me. For the first time, I donated money to a political campaign and volunteered my time. John Edwards was the only one determined to do something about excessive corporate influence over government policies.

He played a very important role in this race, leading the way on the issues and forcing issues into the discussion when the media is happier focusing on tears, handshakes and petty attacks between the frontrunners.

As I watched my candidate be marginalized by the media, I grew more and more disgusted. In a self-fulfilling prophecy, media's lack of coverage forced him out of the race. Now they are all too eager to cover his departure and speculate that a lack of getting his message out did him in. Don’t they realize that they’re mostly to blame? When he had coverage, such as a debate, his numbers surged.

I don’t understand the mainstream media’s fascination with having the nominee decided as quickly as possible. They’ve infringed on our democracy by turning the election into a horse race, and costing us the best candidate we had. By limiting my choice to the lesser of two evils, I have no real vote.

As important as word count is, it's also important to keep your thoughts tight and concise. The original had 4 threads: 7 years of bad government, Corporate influence, John's platform and MSM complicity in his loss. I narrowed that to two. It could still use some polish, but here's what I got in 15 minutes:



I’ve never been so involved in a political movement as I was with John Edwards’ campaign. For the first time I donated money and I volunteered my free time because there ARE Two Americas. John Edwards was fighting to give voice to those who have been devastated by corporate entrenchment in Washington. He was the only one determined to do something about the influence that big business has in our government.

I believe those same corporations eliminated him from the race. Edwards was ignored by the media. As I watched my candidate be marginalized for the past year I became disgusted with our press. In a self-fulfilling prophecy their lack of coverage forced John out of the race. Today they were eager speculate that not getting his message out did him in. Don’t they realize they’re to blame? When he had coverage his numbers surged, when his message was heard people liked what he said but the media was too busy covering petty squabbles between the other two candidates.

It's down to 220, I'm going to send that and see what happens:

John Edwards’ message spoke to me and made me believe we could recover from all of the damage that has been done to our country, bring back our standing in the world and finally DO something about the things that have been overlooked for too long.

He played a very important role in this race, leading the way on the issues and forcing issues into the discussion when the media is happier focusing on tears, handshakes and petty attacks between the frontrunners.

As the media marginalized him for the past year, I became disgusted. In a self-fulfilling prophecy, their lack of coverage in many ways forced him out of the race. Now they’re all too eager to cover his departure and speculate that a lack of getting his message out did him in. Don’t they realize that they’re to blame? When he had coverage, such as a debate, his numbers surged. What happened to your vote counting for something?

The corporate owned media has infringed on our democracy by turning the election into a horse race. They cost us the best candidate we had in what is certainly the most important election of my lifetime. I had real hope for us with John in the race. Today, faced with choosing the lesser of two evils come November, I have none.