I am hopping aboard the straight talk express

I have a bit of a problem, I want to be a straight talking maverick who is in touch with ordinary Americans. For some reason though ordinary Americans seems to shake their head in disgust whenever I try to give them my straight talk.

It doesn’t make any sense because I saw this guy on television who was riding aboard the Straight Talk Express, and the very wise pundits on our cable news networks told us that he was a true maverick. I tried to emulate him, but for some reason when I try to talk like that man does ordinary Americans look at me like I’m freaking insane.

You see, there is a neighborhood several miles away from me which I hear has a crime problem. There are some evil-doers living in that neighborhood, and some of those evil-doers may have weapons of mass destruction. I don’t have any evidence of this, but the intelligence that I choose not to ignore tells me it is true so something must be done.

Considering the grave threat this neighborhood poses, I thought it would be wise to carry out the same type of policy that the guy who rides aboard the Straight Talk Express on TV supports. So I proposed a solution, we could just launch some surgical airstrikes on Minneapolis to rid the neighborhood of evil-doers. I learned from the straight-talker and his friends that we can use military action to spread freedom around the world, so I just thought I would spread some freedom to Minneapolis and I assumed the people of the city would greet me as a liberator and hand me flowers.

It turned out however that the people living in the same neighborhood as these evil-doers did not want to be bombed. These people hated freedom so much that they put a stop to my plans to spread peace through strength before they even got started. I even offered to ensure the neighborhood was safe for them after the bombing took place. My only condition was that they swept the street for bombs first, and then had a squad of one hundred soldiers and a couple of Blackhawk helicopters follow me in. If I could survive my brave walk then I would declare it safe and tell everyone they can conveniently ignore any bombings that happen on that street in the future. But no, people weren’t willing to accept my offer to help them rid their neighborhood of evil-doers. I was speaking the same type of straight talk as that guy on TV, but it turns out there are a lot of people who hate freedom and they weren’t willing to listen to my straight talk.

Because the people were not willing to accept my straight talk on how we can deal with the crime problem, I thought I better give them straight talk on another issue. But instead of being able to choose my own issue to focus on they asked me about an issue that makes me uncomfortable. They wanted to know if condoms helped to prevent the spread of HIV. I really wanted John Hagee and his friends to like me, but I know they don’t like condoms so I really didn’t know what to say. I mean I know they like Bill O’Reilly a lot so I was able to assure them that falafel use is both safe and holy, but I didn’t know what to say about condoms. I knew my position was the same as George Bush’s position, but I didn’t know what Bush’s position was so I told someone to find out for me.

Fortunately though despite the fact that I couldn’t answer a simple question, a pundit from one of the news networks heard my comments and told me that he appreciated my straight talk. He started complaining about all the liberal elitists who were so out of touch with ordinary Americans that they drank lattes, then he got in his limo and drove off. Finally I found proof that I was a straight talker, and it was the rest of America that was out of touch with me. I know that I am in touch with ordinary Americans because a pundit told me so, and we all know that the pundits who are paid millions to spend their days complaining about other people being out of touch understand the lives of ordinary Americans like no others.

God bless ‘Murica

You'll have to go and find something else to do with yourselves.

The straight talk is a throw all the way back to the Hoover administration.