When your child doesn't want to attend college

I am a huge supporter of and believer in higher education and there was a time when I thought that college was a non-negotiable for my child.

But now, he's 16, dispises school, has the grades to prove it, and even if we could afford it, he has zero interest in going to college. Zero. Not even a trade school, from what I can tell.

Part of me mourns this fact, but another part of me thinks that at least he won't have to deal with student loans and trying to find a job with a worthless degree (whatever it might have been). Course, I don't know how much better he'll fare without a college education, but given our current economy, I just can't see how it matters, especially since he doesn't want to go.

I am just so conflicted about this, just because of my own experience with college and how valuable it was to me. But then, nobody forced (or even encouraged) me to go to college and I did it all on my own while working. But that was decades ago, another era completely.

But after working at the Dollar Store, KFC, and a cafeteria, he was more than willing to go to a technical school. He's about to graduate with associates degrees in machining and welding--probably more useful than most degrees.

I keep telling him that he needs to be thinking about the sorts of careers that cannot move offshore, something that needs a physical presence.

He's taking an auto body shop class this year, and they did do some welding. He sort of liked it I guess, inasmuch as he likes anything far as I can tell.

I'd be happy if he went that direction.

Welded from age 14 to about 24. He stopped before he went in for his radiation and chemo. It's good work if you are in an OSHA approved environment, I suppose.

I feel like I was probably a lot like your son at 16. I didn't like high school at all - which is to say that while I enjoyed seeing my friends and enjoyed the extra-ciricular activities I participated in - I hated going to class. I was completely un-interested in the subjects being taught (although I was an avid reader and spent hours reading in my free time) and the methods being used to teach them.

My dad had a candid conversation with me when I was 17 or 18. Young, dumb, teenage NeedleCast knew he was going to be the next great heavy metal drummer. My dad basically said look, I understand that and I understand that you love music and playing drums but the reality is that it's extremely unlikely to happen, so lets talk about what your other options are. He suggest I get my grades up high enough to go to college to study music and go into production or promotion and that while it was unlikely I was going to be the next Tommy Lee, that I could give private drum lessons and that I could make a pretty solid living doing that.

I'd start by finding out what your kid likes and then talking with him about the path to achieve a career in those things he likes. I was also heavy into computers and electronics at that age and now work as an IT professional and can honestly say I enjoy what I do (and make a pretty sizable stack of money doing it).

I began the college talk with my daughter at a young age. I did NOT have the advantage of completing college and had regretted it.

Long story short, she obtained her degree and is now about to finish nursing school as a BSN.
The previous poster had plenty of sound advice.

if you don't go to school, you can support yourself.

You can try supporting yourself first if you want. My offer is good anytime, as long as you keep up at least a B average in school.

But I wouldn't tell you not to be a drummer.

I heard an interview with Johnny Carson once where he talked about telling his family he wanted to get into show business and their response was ''people from around here can't do that," and he said, ''Where do the people who can do it come from? Don't they have to come from somewhere?''

It's better to let kids dream and fail than tell them to shut up and become a drone.

If you can, try to save up a little bit for community college.

As the previous poster said, once he gets tired of working dead end jobs, he'll try to strive for something better.

There are some good careers to be had by going to community college. If I was more technically inclined, I'd be going for a technical degree.

When it changed from "you have to be here at 8 every morning to learn things you don't care about"

to:

"You can pick the courses you're interested in, pick your schedule, attendance is often optional, and the assholes you hated in high school most often won't be there...

...I realized it was another world.

That being said, after two years I went to trade school and got a technical degree in photography, something which I was most interested at the time...

Physical Science for example...but I know what you mean. :)

My high school years were pretty brutal. I was in IB and it had me feeling suicidal some days.
I stressed myself out over attending "top colleges" for nothing. I ended up getting a scholarship to the local community college and had some of my teachers looking at me like I committed a crime. A lot of my classmates who went out of state or went to the big name state colleges ended up losing scholarships and in community college paying out of pocket.

I just finished my Associate of Arts and I'll be transferring to a four year college to major in Social Work.

The good thing about community college is that often you have smaller class sizes and for the people who were not the best in high school, this can be a great thing. I had a good GPA in college, I just didn't have the cash to attend a four year school right off. When I figured out I could get a scholarship to the four year school I'll be attending in the fall, it was already too late to apply. I now have a transfer scholarship so I'm only responsible for paying for books. :)

A nice trip around the world'll do yah good.

Or, she could save it and just not tell him about it. If he changes his mind about school later on, the funds will be there.

Italy is sounding really good, though. ;)

You said "college fund" !!

:rofl:

Indeed it would- get exposed to a lot of different cultures during your still formative years. Wish I would have had that option.

I've seen it happen quite often. Remember that boys tend to mature at a slower rate than girls, too. One of my husband's brothers was like this. He was very smart, too. He ended up being kicked out of school and joined the Navy (submarine). Best thing that ever happened to him, six years later he went back to college and has been a productive member of society ever since (he has his masters now).

Seriously, don't sweat it too much at this age. Some kids just need to go on a few adventures when they leave the home to find out what they really like.

for college, but went to stay ahead of the draft, quit after a horrible year there. I went to a school later in life for drafting and mechanical design, and returned to college in my 40's for a degree in social work. I got nearly all A's, took some courses by exam and scored in the highest .1 of 1% of all US test takers in English Comp. I have a very high IQ, I just hate school and the confining methods of teaching I have always found.

One of the most enjoyable jobs I ever had was driving a truck making deliveries to several adjacent states...not much education required for that.

Let people find their own way and their own happiness in life, and support them all you can.

mark

high school bored me to tears, it was like I had to downshift my brain. Returning to school as an adult worked much better for me, as I had, by that time, learned focus.

Hell, most college freshmen don't know what they are doing there either.

and he's been on the campus plenty of times for various reasons.

It just simply does not appeal to him, at all. Me, I walk onto a college campus and I nearly go into a state of ecstasy, that's how much I love them.

But not him, not even in the slightest.

What I worry is that in 5-10 years he'll look back and go "Why didn't you FORCE me to ________!!!" (fill in the blank--get good grades, go to college, whatever)

Like I said, nobody forced or even spoke to me about college when I was in high school! NOBODY! And looking back, that pisses me off to no end.

I'd only add he needs to think about what he wants to do, if he won't need a degree or training fine, but he will need to make money while he pursues that dream/career which is what learning a trade or getting an associates degree or certificate helps. It also is a very good idea to have something to fall back on if your dream/goal doesn't work out or something happens in your life that pursuing it has to be put on hold or even get dropped.

So long as he knows he's not going to get to sponge off you or live with you forever I'm pretty sure he will get sick and tired of dead end crappy jobs and finding he can't get anything better because he doesn't know the right people, doesn't have any skills, or hasn't gotten any higher education.

If possible see if you can get him to speak/write to people who regret not getting any extra schooling or training, they would be easily found on various education forums etc, if you don't know someone you could approach about the subject.

and won! It was, as you said, a different era. In my case it was the late 60s and early 70s. While uninterested in academia, I WAS very much interested in working and supporting myself. The economy was thriving and I landed better jobs with better pay with a high school diploma than many of my college graduate peers.

At age 40 I became motivated to seek higher education, enrolled part time at a state college, and earned my degree. It is never too late for your son to decide to resume his education, so do not despair.

It is a shame your son is not motivated to seek an education now, but given that fact, college costs would be a waste of money. What IS your boy interested in doing?

I should add that my mom, when she realized college was not in the near future for me, was kind enough to spend my college fund to buy me a car (a brand new dodge dart) which hubby and I very much needed in order to move from city to country. But again I had a specific goal; it just wasn't higher education.

or paying rent.

Another revelation was a high school class where we took a typical job ad, and then put together a household budget based on the advertised salary. Realizing that you would have to share an apartment, couldn't own a car, and no vacations just to break even was an eye-opener.

Vietnam, and it convinced me that, although being 'in-country' was safer in many respects from being anywhere near my father's home, college was the thing to do.

Decades later, I had a student in my intro Zoology course that only was at the college his mom and dad met at because his parents pushed him. I did the conversation about cars, vacations, a nice home for his future wife and children... At that point it 'clicked' for him. I suspect his Dentist Dad had had a more or less similar conversations at times that James wasn't ready to hear it.

We all come to a decision about higher ed in our own way. With the economy as it is, we should understand that teen-agers, who lack the persepective of older folks, are feeling very very pessimistic. Leading teenagers is offering carrots when they are hungry and making sure that they don't have their own stick to beat themselves.

Luckily for me representatives from the local Ford plant came to my shop class and tried to recruit as many of us they could to come work for Ford right out of High School.

I cut school and went there the following Monday morning and there was about 300 young men and women standing in the vestibule outside the offices where they did the hiring. Some were from my school or other schools in the area. When I seen 300 people standing there I figured I was waisting my time trying to get hired. I didn't have a chance I thought to myself.

Guess what? They hired every one of us young men and women standing there that day. Half of us, including myself, took our physical that morning in the plant hospital and started work that same day on afternoon shift. The other half took their physicals that evening and started work the next morning on day shift.

I graduated High School a couple of months later already with a couple months seniority making top union scale wages with excellent benefits.

I retired from there 30 years later with a great pension and still good benefits.

These days the only people who come into my old High School trying to recruit new employees is the military.

Moral of this story is it is in your best interest to support union jobs in this country every chance you get because you never know when you or one of your kids or grand kids may need one of those jobs.

Don

We need to bring those jobs back. :(

My older brother had the same experience 4 years before me in 1969.

Same high school, same Ford plant. Only difference is he put 40 years in that place. He retired last year.

That is why other countries are so protective of these kinds of jobs once they have them.

Our country not so much.

Don

And I suspect he knows better than I, lol.

that cops have the best shit :)

Tell him that making $25 an hour gets MUCH better shit than those fools making $8. :P

Apart from what he'll do for a living, a life without interests or passions is pretty dull.

It breaks my heart, because it's something I cannot control and cannot relate to. I have tried to expose him to as much as I could during his childhood, educational toys, all that kind of stuff, and yet he is just who he is and I don't seem able to change that. At some point I just have to accept that this is who he is, but it's hard not to think I fucked up badly somewhere along the line.

Is it possible that you are trying to steer him too much in a particular direction and that's stilting his own natural interests?

I ask because "and yet he is just who he is and I don't seem able to change that"

What did he seem to like doing when he was little? What were his favorite toys and games?

Up until recently he was still playing video games but a few months ago, he went cold turkey and never looked back. I never would have predicted that.

I've always tried to encourage whatever interest he may have, but they have always been shallow interests that don't last long or go deep.

Personally, I think he's just trying to be as opposite as me as he can, because I have intense interest in just about everything. He knows that but he can't relate to it.

There was a newspaper article about a state university (University of Arkansas at Little Rock) gearing up for a video game programming program and the starting salaries were pretty nice. $50-65K a year.

That sounds exactly like what I am going through with my son!

He's smart as a whip, but always disliked school. Over the years, I have tried getting him involved in school activities that I thought he would like, gotten him into different types of school programs, ect.... He never liked any of them, and it has always been a huge morning battle to simply get him to attend school. Like your son, he has the grades to show how much he likes school.

A couple of months ago, he turned 18, and I just couldn't get him going. He simply ditched school to the point that the head of the board of education actually came to my house and told me that my son was wasting everyone's time with his total lack of effort and attendance. He then requested that my son (or myself) withdraw from the school. Maybe he would have a better chance getting a GED or using an online program. Talk about humiliating!

Like you, I am a college graduate. I disliked HS myself, but loved the whole college thing. I have tried telling him this, but anymore, it's like talking to a brick wall.

I don't know what to do with him at this point. I am simply at a loss anymore. I suppose the situation will eventually work itself out for both you and I, but in the meantime, it sure is rough!

Hang in there -

:hug:

Thing is that every year, he does really well on those standardized tests, completely out of alignment with his school grades.

And get this: he just brought home a stack of at least half a dozen textbooks for AP History next year! The teacher makes them start over the summer! I have no idea how he managed to get into that class, but he ALSO plans to take chemistry and biology at the same time! This from a student who hates going to school, hates doing schoolwork, hates reading. I am perplexed.

He *claims* that next year he's going to turn everything around. But, he has told me that every single year since middle school.

:sigh: Maybe he really will. Maybe. Or else school is really going to kick his ass next year.

So what does your son plan to do now? Anything at all? Your situation sounds like a good predictor of what I will be seeing in a couple of years.

I mean about a predictor of what you will be seeing.

My son did really well on those tests, too! He ace'd them. But the grades? In the toilet for the most part!

Maybe your son's teacher thought the AP classes would challenge him? I know I went through that with AP math, and the damn kid failed! When he went back to a regular math class next term, he got an A. I asked him about it, and he said he the work was 'too hard' in the AP class! Talk about LAZY!!! It wasn't too hard, he just didn't 'feel' like applying himself! I hope that's not the case with your son, and maybe he will really turn things around.

At this point, I feel like the worst mother in the world, and have the biggest failure of a kid!

Right now, his plans seem to include dodging me (the nag) at every chance he can get, blowing off his online school that he FINALLY got around to signing up for, sneaking out to hang out with his friends, and not looking for a job! At this point, I'd just as soon kick him out and let him either sink or swim, but the bigger part of me wants to still 'rescue' him.

Aaargh! What's a mother to do?



:shrug: :argh:

You've been in school for your entire life.

It feels like a treadmill, and it's hard to understand how important it is. I sympathize. :(

nt

suffering from a major depression. No passion for anything gave it away for me.

I have heard your story more than dozens of times from concerned parents of 12-20 year olds. Please take this with all the good intentions I have for you. You did not "fuck-up".

Really, by 16, mentally healthy kids have SOME things they have passion about, even if it's only video games or computer stuff, (not that bad, when balanced out against a few other things), then there's sports, pro sports teams, the opposite sex, even getting away with stuff at school, going out on a Friday night just to "hang out", or music, even if it's some hard to listen to stuff, movies about something. The list goes on. I have yet to meet a well adjusted 16 year old that doesn't get excited about SOMETHING in life, unless he's seriously suffering from depression or other mental illness.

I know you might be offended by that comment, I know you probably think you did a good job as a parent and providing for him, so how could he be depressed? you DID a good job, and YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB asking for help! Depression is NOT your fault, or anyone's fault, it's an illness just like diabetes or tooth decay, you get it diagnosed and you get it treated, period. Don't keep knocking yourself out over his "lack of passion", he's got an illness and needs good treatment.

You Did NOT "fuck up badly somewhere along the way"... stop beating yourself up about this and get some professional help.

Oh, and at 16, he's gotten about as much from his parents as he ever will get, (except for money for cars, college, etc). He's almost grown up, and he needs to enter adulthood more mentally healthy than he is now. It may be the last thing you can give him, but give him that chance to get treated for his depression!

Now I expect 100 flaming replies to me for being so presumptuous as to "know" what I am talking about. A youth counselor for more than 20 years, with two advanced degrees in the field, I "know" what I am talking about. If I'm wrong, I'll be happy to know it, but not until you, as a parent, have taken that step to prove me wrong.

There simply are no words.

In my thirties, I went from GED to MS in five intense years. Loved college and wish my situation would allow me to go for PhD. College is valuable beyond increasing your earning power.

Prior to 18, my kids are accountable to me, and vice versa. It's my responsibility that they earn the best grades they are capable of.

At age 18, there's a paradigm shift; we're both adults and he and I will do what we want. What I intend is that no other grownups will exploit me. School or rent, his choice. Both contingent on obeying the household rules.

My middle son turns 18 next saturday. He loves the water, and I hope he follows through with his current plan to attend the merchant marine academy. I'll help so long as it is beneficial for both of us. If it doesn't, I'll pull the plug without guilt.

I know that sounds a little mercenary, but I've seen too many parents allow themselves to be exploited by their kids, doing the kids a disservice.

I know that the military is a hard choice for many parents, but it seems to have done him a world of good.

As a parent you have plenty of things you can do to guide him into a career choice. You can counsel him on what it takes in terms of income to live independently in your area and choices he may have to make like apartment sharing if he can't reach that income level. You can have a frank discussion with him about whether living at home after he leaves high school is a viable option. Frankly, I knew by the age of 12 that once I was no longer a full time student I'd be expected to pay for my room and board and it wasn't negotiable.

You can also counsel him on the trade-offs in getting a higher degree vs. the jobs available with some education or training beyond high school -- and "worthless degree" isn't a phrase that's gonna convince him to consider high ed especially in a family where there isn't a college fund waiting for him to use.

I'm a big fan of college or technical training for anyone who wants to go but I went to college with more than a few kids who were there because their parents insisted that they go and for most the outcome was that they wasted a lot of their parents' money proving that they didn't want to be there.

I dropped out multiple times, went to 'alternative schools', ended up getting a GED taking about a month to do it when I was 18. Went on to community colleges, got a grant or so, or worked and paid as I went, with only a small loan --and a University from there, mostly paid with a employer subsided program.

Some of us don't do well with the societal and scholastic structure of high school. I thought it boring and useless and didn't even try. Of course, the society I preferred at the time wasn't exactly healthy either. Interesting, or rather not boring, well that it was.

I have never, ever, missed not having the high school experience. Don't give up on him, he may find some day that he likes chemistry, as I did, or finds ethnic studies invaluable as I also did, or loves anatomy and how the body, how the self, functions as I still do(I'm a Registered Nurse)

Or he may not. It doesn't lessen his value as a human being in any way and may give him insight into the human condition that he would have ordinarily never had.

It is greatly encouraging for me to hear it!

:)

many reasons, it is not always the better path for every individual.

There are many options that do not include a "life commitment with no turning back"...

Take time off and work (for living expenses) until he would benefit from the experience - university should not be thought of as simply a glorified trade school, e.g., job prep. Some who are academically ready are unprepared in other aspects of life.

Travel. Yeah, there is the money issue with this, as with everything. But if he is willing to make do on a minimalist budget, the possibilities are endless.

Join the Peace Corp or some other similar organization. The growth can happen there as easily as at school, or "on the job."

Parental expectations can be as destructive as they can be productive. Our main job as parents is to enable them to make good decisions for themselves. Just be careful not to enable negative outcomes (supporting him while not requiring any actions on his part).

Good luck.

There might be a good chance he'll decide to go in a few years or even a little bit longer down the road. If you force it him on and he does it just to satisfy you, then he might end up going about it half-assed, end up with a lot of debt and nothing to show for it. Then if in the future he realizes he wants college, it might end up being harder for him because of the earlier foray into it.

Part of me wants to feel relief that I don't have to worry about how to send my kid to college when I can't afford to, lol.

really didn't want to go. He dropped out after a miserable, failing year.

A couple more sporadic attempts in his early 20s - again, because I had convinced him he 'needed' to do it. Got about a year of general ed requirements under his belt, but couldn't fix on a career choice so he quit. In the meantime, he worked any number of jobs over the years.

In a few months, he will be starting a social work degree at Goldsmiths College, London. He made the choice - he made the effort - and he convinced them he is a viable candidate for their program. He turned 30 this year - some might say he waited too long, but I know that he has reached this juncture on his own and, because it is his choice entirely, he will succeed (with never-ending student loan debt, but he'd have had that had he stayed in the US for school . . .).

Sixteen is young, but not infantile. Show your son the options and then trust him to make the decision that is right for him.

16 boys are interested in two things; sex and whatever they like to do when they're not having sex.

It gets better, eventually.

And no, it's not sex. The military. He claims that he has no interest nor intention of signing up, but in a couple of years, he might find that is his only option.

And I know that in theory it could work out very well for him, but I don't think I'd survive the stress of worrying about him every day for the rest of my life.

And he has deathly fears of boats and the ocean so even the Navy, Coast Guard, Merchant Marines are all things he wouldn't consider, while to me, those are the best choices if he HAS to go into the service.

I'll try to find some direct links when I get back, but there are several organizations of vets that will give the kid the unvarnished reality of life in a combat zone, life in the military, and how well we really do take care of our veterans.

If that's not enough to keep him out, I don't know. Teenage immortality is tough to overcome.

Tell him that when he turns 18 he will either have to be out on his own or be ready to pay room & board. Then set up days or afternoons at different places for him to experience different careers. Maybe he will find something he likes.

A friend gave her oldest son the "pay board or you're out at eighteen" choice. He did go out and get various jobs - dishwasher, McD's cashier, etc. but since he had no training at all, every job he got sucked and he lasted no more than two days at any of them. After the dishwasher job he decided he wanted to be a chef, but he could not get into any programs.

He ended up joining the Marines and amazingly enough, he got training to be a chef in the Marines! He's doing very well in the military and has not been posted to any combat locations - which my friend is glad about. But he was lucky - few kids in the military get their desired career or assignment. If he had taken the time to try out various options before he felt his time with his Mom ran out, he might have been able to get into a chef's school locally, but he rejected all offers from her to explore his options ahead of time.

So see if your son will work with you looking into career possibilities that do not require college. He may be happy that you are willing to be flexible and that may push him towards working up an interest. Tell him that 16 is not too young to start a life plan and help him with it.

the military may actually be an ideal career choice for your son. There is something very satisfying about the concrete problem-solving that daily military life involves; a lack of abstractions can focus a wandering mind.

and the horrific treatment of vets when they come home wounded, I just might agree.

The odds are just too high right now for a bad outcome, imho.

under your roof.

not everyone is meant for college. we all chose our ways walking life. but for all of us, and especially you, teaching him to be independent and responsible is important. and most important for him.

He agrees, in theory. We'll see.

don't force him. I didn't want to go to college, either. But after years of busting my hump, I finally got smart. As I was older, I realized it was my money I was spending, and I couldn't afford to fuck off like I did in high school. Came through with a 3.9 (out of 4) GPA, which opened the door for me. A degree is great for getting your foot in the door, but once it is there you have to prove your salt.

He was a very bright kid, but had no interest in any subject that didn't interest him -- and his grades showed it. He never would have gotten into any college, except that he aced his SATs.

Unfortunately, he spent his entire freshman year playing Dungeons & Dragons in the Boston subway tunnels and never (to my knowledge) went to a single class.

When I found out, I cut him right off and said "fend for yourself kiddo."

After a few years slinging burgers at McDonalds, he worked at various places in computers and then put himself through school!

Now he's married, owns his own home and has a terrific job.

So, you see --- things can work out. Kids do grow up and find their own way.

Good luck!

I wish I had listened to my daughter. She is an exceptionally bright girl, but hates school with a passion. She tried 2 lackluster years at a university (loved the atmosphere and communal living, hated the classes and barely went), then a technical program at the community college (again, the classes did not excite her and she quit attending most of them). She went out and got a full-time job in retail and seems much happier, but has student loan debt to pay and nothing close to a degree/certificate. She always SAID that she was going to turn it around and do better, but her actions showed otherwise. I just could not let go of idea that college degree = success.

If it makes you feel better, my husband quit high school at 17 and got a full-time job at a Motorola plant (this was many years ago). He worked for a few years and got a GED, then went on to college when he knew he could not stand to inspect one more circuit board. He went on to law school and has a thriving practice. He says our daughter will have the same epiphany some day, and if she doesn't it really doesn't matter as long as she can support herself and is happy.

He ended up working for the railroad (the old Conrail). Good pay, stable union, healthcare, and retirement, but not so great year to year benefits like vacation or sick leave. He started there right out of HS with no additional training until recently when he took a certificate program to be promoted up to Yard Master. He's been there almost 30 yrs.

Our 17yo daughter originally wanted to be a marine biologist, but has changed her mind and now would like to major in Fine Arts. Her strengths in HS are Chemistry, Calculus, Art and Orchestra. After sharing some of our family money decisions, investment info, tax prep, healthcare bills and mortgage info, she has decided she may need more than just a degree in Fine Arts to make a living. Her idea now is a double major (fine arts and art conservation) with an East Asian minor. Can't quite see that background making more money, but OK. At least she would be continuing her Chemistry with Art Conservation.

Does your son have a good idea of what it takes to live out in the real world? Maybe that would help. It took awhile, but eventually the wheels in K's head started turning and she started asking questions. She also asks if college is anything like HS. She is just soooooo burnt out with HS the rules and the disrespect that some of the kids/teachers/admins have for other students. She said it's like you're not even a person there. Maybe he's experiencing a bit of the same feelings.

for trade school.

I feel for you, though. It's never been a "maybe" in this house, either, but an "of course", so I can see how it would feel in your shoes.

I'm in my 30s and going to college now.

On some level, I want a bachelors and I want good grades. I am not a slacker, nor am I someone who spends every waking moment doing whatever I can to get an A in every subject. My GPA is 3.6. I am slightly disappointed in it and want to raise it - I had been on the Dean's List before I overburdened myself with classes.

You need internal motivation to sit down and read hundreds of pages through some dense book that bores you out of your mind.

I also know if I want to I could drop out and come back at some future point. If I felt unmotivated or something I would probably do that.

One thing to try - I was working through much of my schooling. I took a course every Friday night, then the next semester one every Sunday afternoon. So suggest they go to class one day a week and see how they like it. If someone doesn't want to go in the water, it is better to try to get them to put their toe in than to throw them in.

He got his degree and is doing fine now.

Don't sweat it. Every person is different.

When I was a kid, everybody looked forward to going to college. "So when you grow up, what college do you want to attend?" was a common questions from doting adults at your various family functions. It was with good reason, too, because having a college degree then was your ticket to a high paying job, a great living and a financially secure life.

Not anymore. There are probably more degree holders in the unemployment line these days, as not.

A degree from a college or university just doesn't carry the "specialness" it used to. Not even multiple, or upper degrees are anymore (that was was the next step in evolution from having a single degree). The reason for this, I believe, is twofold: a general devaluing of education in our society, plus the failure of these institutions to maintain a quality level of a well rounded, liberal education. Basically, we are handing sheepskins to idiots who had the money but not the intellectual curiosity to earn a degree. It's little wonder so many businesses are not impressed with the "BA" or "MBA" on your resume.

I have always been an advocate of a quality, humanities based liberal higher education. But when the institutions are turning our mutlitudes of people who cannot even pass an 8th grade final exam from the 1800s (true story, recently in the news), we not only have a problem - we have the advent of the idiocracy.

reaches 18 (or graduates, or drops out)?

He does intend to support himself, right?

come from decently wealthy (what we used to call middle class, lol) families, so the mentality of the group he hangs around with is not to be concerned much about these things. From what I've heard, all of his other friends (or rather, their parents) have firm plans about college or the military. So it just doesn't seem to be something his group talks about.

But he has heard from me that when he's 18, he WILL be supporting himself, and he knows it's true.

Like Evergreen State in WA or Goddard in VT?

knocks , college shielded me in a way .

Finished High school an average student , getting 100's in Math and Physics , C's in everything else ... other subjects just did not interest me enough to bother ... I regret that dearly , if I had worked a little harder I could have gotten into a really good undergrad school.

I ended up studying Engineering , again acing math courses (by acing I mean fucking 100/100 by the end of each course , even the very difficult ones , the universe was sending me a message , but I never thought there was much money in Math , another decision I regret).
I mostly got B's and A's in the other stuff.

Worked for two years in IT , HATED it . Decided to get back to college , got my Masters , then got my Doctorate ...


Right now I am thinking of going back to college , it seems I only function best in that environment .

Maybe I will pursue a doctorate in Math.

The moral of the story is , if he is interested in something , he will bump into it sometime or another , you can only help him by guiding him to not waste a substantial amount of time.

If there is no interest , their is nothing you can do.

Make him workfor a couple of years. See if he changes his mind.

AND when he gets back after 2 yrs, he may want to go to college.

your comments on the internet. They can probably figure out how to use Google.

I know it would absolutely crush me if I found out that my Mom broadcast to the internet that I was the worst kid ever.

But he also knows how I feel about education, so nothing I'm posting would be news to him.

Besides, I can rest fairly assured he would have zero interest in Googling anything I have to say online.

does he have any strong interests? They can lead to good jobs down the line. For trades he could look at installing solar systems and upgrading homes with insulation, new windows, etc. or selling these services if he is verbal--this area is going to be booming for awhile. Aptitude testing might be a good idea.

for my local utility company, and got into a conversation with the nice fellow I was talking to, and we started talking about our kids and the generation of kids growing up right now, and he told me that right now they (PG&E) are having the hardest time hiring these young kids because they don't know how to communicate! They spend so much time texting, emailing, IMing or whatever, but relatively little time talking, and so they don't do well in interviews and certainly are not equipped for any work involving customer service over the phone. I can't say I was surprised.

Who is now in his early 30's is trying to put a real career together after getting over a decade long delusion that he was first going to be an NHL hockey player and then an NHL hockey coach. He is scrambling for all the certifications are what-not he can get hoping he can get on as a full-time athletics coach at a high school or something.

He isn't stupid - but he isn't really qualified to do anything either.

For one thing, your child is 16 and a lot can change in 2 years. Not that that's any relief to a parent, but two years is a world of time in a teen's mind.

Maybe he will reject college entirely. It's not the end of the world, just make sure he starts thinking about what he wants out of the rest of his life. Some people go out into the job market, or join the military or the peace corps and realize they want something more. Some discover they are perfectly happy in the military or the peace corps. Those who choose to go back to school tend to be much more focused and driven.

It sucks from the parent's perspective, but you do have to let your child discover what their chosen purpose in life will be.

I'm the first person in my line to go to college, and went on to get a Masters and a Ph.D. My daughter, age 10, is routinely told "You, young lady, are going to college." Her mother, conversely, suggests higher education isn't worth the time. The dilemma you face now is one I expect to face in 8 or so years.

Despite expectations, whatever my child chooses, I will support. You guard and protect your kids as much as you can, but eventually they must take flight. They get to experience their bumps in the road. Going to college or not is one of those potential bumps.

Best wishes,

-fl

At 16, most kids don't really know what they want to do, and even after graduation and well into college, a lot of them don't know either.

People who spend years in college, graduate with major debt, and often end up doing something entirely different from what their degree is in.

The scary part is this:

an 18 yr old will not get a "good" job, and sometimes not even A job, so they could be languishing at home with M & D for a very long time, and running the risk of getting into "trouble". One of ours did exactly that.. hated school, did poorly (despite an IQ of 163), and did not even graduate.. It took him YEARS to overcome his problems (he DID though).

Our oldest also hated school, did not graduate wither, BUT was very computer-oriented (self taught), and now has a beautiful home in the SFO area, and the 6-figure job to go along with it. He was LUCKY and knew when to take advantage of opportunities. BUT, you cannot count on luck..

Everyone thinks that raising small kids is hard, but it gets harder as they get older, because their own decisions as teens, can affect their whole life, and that's also the time in their lives when they often pay the least attention to parents :hug:

past a 2 year degree at the local community college, which was affordable without loans.

Why? Because they watched me struggle to finish my degrees while they were growing up, they saw me struggling with student loans as they were leaving high school, and they found ways to support themselves without the debt.

Both, though, really wanted the education. If it hadn't been for the debt burden, they would have continued. My oldest son made more money than I, with all my degrees, within 3 years after leaving community college. He, though, was laid off a year ago. He went back to school, supporting himself on his unemployment plus a part-time job offered by the University, and is now taking out loans to finish his education. We're both worried about that, but he's thinking that, with more education behind him, he'll be more secure in financial crises. Meanwhile, he's thriving and loving his university experience, and his brother is wishing he could afford to go, too. Since he's raising a son as a single parent, that's not really a viable option at this point.

What DOES he want to do with his life? One of the great things about the American education system is that we can go back to school at any point in our lives. If you can get him through high school with a diploma, he can do what so many young people want, and explore his own ideas, and may be more open a few years down the line.

He can tear apart and rebuild almost any automotive device known to mankind and he makes a good living doing just that. I firmly believe that not everyone is meant to go to college. Like me for instance. We all have something we are good at and college may not be the path to bring out a person's specialty.

He might decide in a couple of years that he'd like to go to college or a vocational school.

One of my stepdaughters flunked out of college, got involved in a shitty relationship, broke up with the jerk, then got her life together and went back to college, where she earned a nursing degree and now has a good job.


With some kids it just takes a little longer.

with the successful dumbing down in America, a college degree is the equivalent of paying for high school these days, and paying for it big time!

Kids aren't graduating from high school, and are totally turned off by education by that time because they are bored by our school system and always having to cater to the lowest common denominator.

Encourage him to pursue whatever it is that makes him feel passion, find who he is and live for it. In the end that is more important than any amount of money.


But concerning college and money, the game of "Life" recently changed to where you choose whether you go to college or not. I always choose college because I enjoyed it so much, but I always make less then everyone else choosing not to. They have it rigged now where the kids who choose not to go to college almost always make more money, a lot more money, and the college kids end up being starving entertainers or starving artists(and start out with $100,000 in debt)...keeping up with the times I guess.

Doctors, lawyers, engineers. Thats about it. And I can remember the counselors who were assigned to help us decide what to do after high school weren't shy about telling someone they weren't college material. I think they tell them all they are college material now?

Big business.

Don

...hard freakin labor.

Put the boy to physical work, it might expand his interests.

Of course, he barely knows what it really is yet. He does some work at a friend's property, chopping wood, pulling weeds, etc and he claims that he loves it (and yet I can't get him to do anything like that here).

Also, he likes going to the gym and working out.

:shrug:

by this hottie little arborist.

That and landscaping pay money and don't require college.

One job at a time at a friend's property where you get to stop and start at your pleasure is one thing. Having to grind away at something with someone watching you is another.

When I worked for a tree service company (some of the most back-breaking work I've ever done), the old guys (in their 30s and 40s!) all talked about how they wished to make a living with their brains rather than their backs. And there wasn't anyone older on the front lines because their bodies broke or they moved on.

And if physical labor is his calling, then so be it. If you're son is bright at all he'll see that becoming skilled labor (certified) is important to career development. And sometimes people come back to school after several years of physical work.

Keep saving that college money. He'll need it someday.

Good luck.

for physical work and self-improvement. Those are two honorable endeavors! Reward him for that, give him opportunities to find more lawn maintenance work, yard work, tree trimming, bush trimming, ANYthing outdoors he might like.

I think he probably likes earning money, too. A good sign, even in a liberal family!

The working out can lead to a career in exercise science, a career in being a trainer, or just having him have a well maintained adult body. Be sure he gets to do that all summer, as much as he wants. Try to expand on it, can he do swimming classes, learn life-saving, even work at a summer day camp?

You told me he had no passion for anything, my picture was that he sat around on the computer or in front of a TV, or just hanging out someplace. Since he has some interests, keep feeding him on those.

He MAY NOT BE THAT DEPRESSED. He's got the energy to do real physical labor and to work out at a gym. That's indicative of no major depression, usually, that's none or mild depression if depression at all. But I'd have that checked out, too, just to be sure.

How about an on-line course from a college in something like anatomy and physiology? Or in nutrition? He can do that this summer. You can see if he likes learning more about science when it relates to his working out, to his physical labor. Something like that might light a spark of intellectual curiosity.

There has been a great deal of good advice given on this thread.
There is a thing I call "spillover". For many kids, high-school is hell. Peer pressure, bullying, merciless cliques, being picked on and teachers who do little or nothing to stop it. All of these things "spillover" to make learning and education absolutely horrid.
I personally see a combination of approaches here. Why does he hate school so much? Is it the classes? Or is it the horrid social environment? You're going to have to find that out one way or another.

A flip-side approach requires some "tough love". Make it clear that if he has no plans for college, he will be expected to find a job and make his own way with in a few months of high-school graduation. Charge him rent or tell him that he'll need to find his own place to live. Young people have a way of changing their tune after a year or two of working at WalMart at minimum wage. Your son does not have much time, for two years or so will go by quickly.

I will say this. College is not for everyone, at least a 4-year degree in whatever major. Even these days a college degree does not have the advantages it used to. There are the trades, but even those require apprenticeships, certifications, and regular testing. I am firm believer that trades are often overlooked as a career options due to the fact they are not "suit and tie" jobs. My father was a carpenter/construction supervisor his entire adult life. More than once I watched him run circles around highly educated architects and engineers.

You mentioned that you went to college on your own with little support from anyone else. That shows motivation and direction that you imposed on yourself to achieve a goal. It does not sound as if your son has the same trait. Could it be that he simply is not willing to work for it? Parents have tendency to try tp spare their children from certain adversities that parents themselves had to endure to give their children an advantage in life. This can backfire since adversity is often the best teacher and motivator.

Tell him you'll support his decision, as long as he has a full time job lined up to pay rent in another year or so when he's "graduated", which is something he should do, regardless of the pay grade.

I'm a big fan of, "get out there and work", then re-evaluate. It shouldn't take too long for him to take notice of things that MIGHT be of interest. I'm also a fan of vocational education. Choose a field and go to school again. You carrot at the end of the stick might be to support him if he does this, or require he only work part time.

Some kids have to discover how the world operates before they really take on interest. Good luck!

I think if I had worked for a year or two after high school I would have had more focus for the JC.

Let him dick around for a year after school, and then ask him if trying to pay rent and buy food on $7 an hour for the rest of his life really sounds that appealing.

laying electric cable and installing junction boxes for AT&T! He loves it!

I've a feeling that, whatever happens, we'll always need people like that.

A couple of years frying burgers at the local fast food outlet, will probably change his mind and he may go back to school on his own. I would make him finish high school though. You have to make a deal with him that if he finishes high school with the best grades he can get, you won't insist that he go to college. He may surprise you and hone a talent that might make him successful anyway.