My mother and I started laughing at my father's funeral. Laughing REALLY hard...

and no matter what we did we couldn't stop laughing. My mother turned and buried her face in my brother's shoulder and I turned and buried my face on my Aunt Pat's shoulder and she and I pretended we were crying. It was awful. And because it looked like we were crying hysterically, suddenly everyone behind us started to lose it and began wailing and crying. People fled sobbing in tears, my dad's sister swooned, and all through it my mother is digging her fingernails into my arm as we shook, and laughed and giggled. (we were deserving of academy awards that day, I'll tell you...everyone thought we were overcome with crying.)

I bring this up because terrible loss can present itself in a variety of strange, uncomfortable, angry and sad ways. Some of us need to be alone, others need to be super nice about the dead, others are angry...some people, like my poor mom and me, get the giggles.

9-11 was a terrible, terrible day. We might be more numb to it but we have not healed. Those moments are seared into our minds. I don't picture the towers falling. I was watching the news as it started and what I still picture to this day, was this African American man in a dark blue shirt with a purple tie falling from the first tower like a leaf.

So, c'mon everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY...not just DU)--this is the end of a very long funeral. Our whole country has been severely traumatized. Go easy on each other...let people vent their pain and angst...and just picture it in your mind as a funeral. You aren't gonna yell at your Aunt because she's angry that her husband is dead. You wouldn't belittle your mom because she was a little bit hysterical or said something that wasn't so nice.

Nah...you'd go get a box of kleenex for your aunt or you'd find your mom a cup of tea and give her a kiss and a hug. You sure as heck wouldn't try to make it worse.

I encourage you all to have your say, to vent, to get it the f#ck out of your system so we can all start to heal from this long, long period of mourning. Peace people.

(the death of Chuckles the Clown) where she gets tickled at the funeral and can not control it. Boy, have I been in similar situations...

I agree, emotional reactions can not always be controlled.

set up it was sort of an L shape with all the family in the bottom of the L shape and everyone else off to our side...so the entire congregation could see me and my mother's face. It was terrible! There was no way to hide...so we just sunk down and tried to look like we were crying.

The preacher was this friend of my dad's who had just jot his preachers license (or was ordained, whatever it is) and this was his FIRST service. He got really nervous and started stuttering and making funny noises and then he started getting all the details mixed up and wrong... so, every time we started to calm down and get control he'd say something else that would get us going again.

It was so humiliating! And the rest of the day people were asking "what did he say that upset you two so much?" and my mom would put her hand to her mouth and say, "I can't talk about it" and walk off. We never did tell anybody the truth.

Thanks, Chuckles!

unless you want to be shelled.

A life lesson for us all.

I LOVE that episode. Heck, I love the whole series - still!

Can't tell you how often I was greeted with "Hey Mare..." in newsrooms I worked in after that show got rolling. Everybody channeled Ted Baxter around me.

nt.

That scene was hysterical.

But that's the key word, hysteria. Stress was running very high when my dad died. A couple days into the ordeal my brother and I had a laughing spell that was out of control. There was so much emotion I guess it didn't really matter how it go out.

Julie

that was a classic. not just funny, but very illustrative of human nature.

we all have our own ways to dealing with traumatic events. it continues to amaze me how judgmental some DU'ers can be.

Good OP! :hi:

like mad. Don't know why but I do. Been there, done that.

I wonder where that comes from?!

the best two people who ever lived. It was just a nervous habit. A friend when I was a kid did the same thing whenever someone got hurt. Her sister walked through a plate glass door and she laughed. She and her sister were like one but the nerves of the moment make it happen. It is weird indeed.

perhaps it is a defense mechanism against too much crying.

are weird things. :)

To whom was he getting married?

you got me laughing.

Not much difference really.

And I couldn't figure out why he'd invite your mom to his second wedding.

some of the funerals did turn out better, so I can understand your confusion. :P

of when my sister and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements for my father after he died.
Our mother had died a year before and we were in shock because my father's death was sudden.
We sat in the office in the funeral home and started laughing. We were peppered with so many questions and it just did not seem real.

I have thought many times over the years that the funeral director, who was a Friend of my father's family, thought we were horrible people. But what can you do? Maybe just better understand that not all emotional reactions are what we expect - they are as unique as the people living them.

So I hope that other people can feel a little better too. THank you for the thank you. :0)

I couldn't stop and I had tears streaming down my face. It wasn't a laughter of joy but one from emotional overload. Kind of almost hysterical. Yes we need to conclude our grieving for the ills done by this man.

"cheerfulness".

inside, though, i felt very different. but i literally couldn't behave differently. it was weird. the cheerful mania was my defense, i guess, against having to deal with anyone or anything on a real level.

after experiencing that a couple of times at the deaths of loved ones i no longer judge anyone's affect at funerals.

Letting the giggles have free reign harnesses things a bit and often becomes real laughter accompanied by good memories.

Makes a lot of sense.
:fistbump:

Not always possible, when politics are involved... but if feelings are involved, that I'm pretty good at. :0)

Thanks for the thread, Snoutport.

Anything and everything that happens in funerals and grieving is okay. I was suffering so bad at my grandmothers open casket. The corpse looked like anything but her. My dearest hubby whispered a joke in my ear and I collapsed into grateful giggles on his chest. And then I cried. Any true emotion during grief is correct and any who say it isn't, either have no heart nor have lost someone and mourned.

I always tell them this can happen (usually happens actually) and if it does just let loose. There is no point in trying to stifle it. Funerals should provide a safe holding environment for the beginning of the grieving process. No one should ever tut tut a person giggling in a funeral. To me that's as rude as telling a grieving person not to cry.

I agree with you. People respond to events with a great range of emotion. I spent quite a bit of mental and emotional energy this morning trying to work through my feelings because they weren't what I would have expected. There are a range of healthy ways to grieve or to respond to dramatic news, not one right way.

I would have thought I would be more !!!!, but instead it was this crazy, matter of fact feeling that I had done a very distasteful job and now I was going to go wash my hands and try not to think about it. I'm usually a more emotional guy than that but not today. strange indeed.

We all work through grief, stress, loss, fear, etc. differently and at different paces.

and you said it well.

At times when we experience a flood of emotions, ones that seem inappropriate can be the ones that get expressed. Grief is biological process, parts of it are as involuntary as sneezing. And larger than that, grief is a very personal process. Our grief about various losses in our lives (the death of parents, spouses, dogs, the death of dreams and plans) are all as unique and intimate as our relationship to who or what was lost.

Grief is often as irrational as love.

It was amazing how many different reactions there were to this...both on tv, with people I know, here on DU. But the disrespect was a bit worrying. I figured people just needed a reminder.

One of those odd things we humans do sometimes.

Nobody laughed at my dad's funeral but there was a great deal of hysterical type (hystaria, not as in hilarious) laughter during the luncheon afterwards. We kept catching ourselves at it throughout the luncheon and felt terribly guilty yet couldn't control it.

Hysteria can make people do seemingly odd or inappropriate things. I guess it's a built in coping mechanism like involuntarily having no memory of some very painful event.

And attempting to channel everyone into some pre-approved manner is not only futile, but insulting. There are protocol expectations and then there's self-righteous preaching, and no one likes self-righteous preaching. Let people be.

Thanks Nutty!

lol Oh no...

Well, actually just before it. My Dad said something that just cracked me up. A couple people looked at me like I was crazy.

I think my brother would have appreciated it and laughed too.

:hug:

And we have all suffered so much this past decade. Thank you for your post.

All of us, on a deep personal level.

And it has been like a true victorian mourning period practically. I'm hoping things will start to feel a little better. At least for the poor families who lost loved ones to Bin Laden and his followers.

page not the ones criticizing others for venting in the form of celebrating...Folks react different because we are human.

Thank you for bringing some common sense & reason to DU on this topic.

I just was seeing a lot of hurt feelings and some perspective seemed needed. :0) Thank you for the kind words.

I've had that happen in church, more than once--but never at a funeral...yet.

High Fives, Grave Dancing, and Victory Laps.

The killing of Osama is "historic" in that it will be noted in the History Books,
but it is FAR from "The End".

It will take generations,
perhaps centuries,
to heal what we have done to innocent people in the Middle East under the guise of "Getting Osama."

It's unfortunate that so many people can't see that. They just want to think it's over.

And if you still don't get it, perhaps a 3rd read will help.

And I stand by my post.
"Grave Dancing, High Fives, and Victory Laps are very different from laughing at a funeral."

Perhaps it would serve you well to do a little reading and inner reflection:

those people may have been deeply impacted by all of this. 3000 people died but those 3000 people had tens of thousands of family members and 100,ooos of friends and even more acquaintances or people they had touched and all of those people might be very angry or hurt or furious to have had something they love stolen away.

You don't head for the White House in the middle of night if you are not emotionally involved. You don't take a train across New York to go to Ground Zero at midnight unless your pain runs deep.

I can forgive those people their release.

but we can point out inappropriate behavior.




Grave Dancing, High Fives, and Victory Laps were not cool.
We are, or should be, better than that.

I recall cheering when Vietnam ended. In fact, up on the Mountain range behind Anchorage was a giant peace sign made out of lights...and all over the city there was gunshots and fireworks. People were celebrating the end of the conflict.

There were victory parties after the bombs in Japan brought about the end of World War II. There were celebrations when Mussolini and Hitler were brought to justice. If I recall my history there were great celebrations when despots of all sorts have been brought to justice.

Believe me, I fully understand that the images of people celebrating will be broadcast to paint a picture of how animalistic Americans are. Hate for Osama Bin Laden has been fueled by TV, newspapers, the governments of dozens of countries and our own Right Wing party has made it the steady drumbeat on Fox and right wing radio. Practically brainwashing their listeners with the message that Bin Laden must be brought to justice.

So, to tell anyone they are incorrect to celebrate the death of an enemy who did us grievous harm seems...unreasonable. I'm not saying anyone has to like it, or agree to it, or condone it, but, certainly to condemn them makes no sense seeings as the steady drumbeat has been pushing people to demand justice.

Like I said, it is still part of a funeral, part of our mourning. You can't judge people by how they act at a funeral. You can, however, look the other way and support them despite not agreeing with them.

People have all sorts of reactions to events. Some we agree with, and some we find distasteful.

But it is not your right to lecture them on what is appropriate, any more than it is the right of some religious nut to lecture us on the proper way to live our lives.

I hope not centuries but some of these prejudices (on all sides) will continue for generations...and the movement he headed is alive and doing damage and causing more fear and hate just as our military actions continue to create those same feelings in other places. Those are different issues in many ways. Tied together and part of a big picture but still separate issues.

But, as I see it and as I wrote about it, I stressed that this gut reaction about Bin Laden is tied to the Towers falling, the Pentagon, That field out in the country. Those were the deaths, that was the horrible day we all watched unfold and that is what my OP was about. Just as we watched the Towers fall and had our own reactions-tears-numbness-anger-screaming-fury-despair-reactions that were different for every single American, are now resurfaced as we finally have justice done to the person who caused much of that terrible grief. And, again, my discussion was just asking people to chill out and not be mean about how others were reacting.

This outpouring of anger and grief is natural. As are our fears of the future as we work through our differences with the middle east.

Thank you for joining the conversation. :0)

:P

Was it some aspect of the funeral that was surreal or funny?

It happened to me when a family member was laid out with glasses placed all crooked, first of all why bury a person with glasses on! So I lost it laughing, oooh, that was hard to cover up.

We were both crying and she and i both sniffed at the same time in the same way. "SNIIIIIIIFF". and she turned to look at me just as I turned to look at her...and we both just broke out laughing. Then the preacher (a friend of my dad's and his FIRST sermon since he was ordained a few weeks earlier) got flustered (probably because my mom and I were shaking uncontrollably with our faces buried in our hands--we were pretending to cry but we weren't) and he started stuttering and making mistakes--and the way the chapel was, the family kind of faced the attendees so the whole place could see us...so everyone started really crying hard, my dad's sister swooned, a couple people fell apart so badly they had to run out of the place...and the worse it got, the more my mom and I laughed.

It was awful.

Everyone kept asking my mom what happened that made us start crying so hard and my mom would cover up her mouth and say, "I don't want to talk about it". We never told anybody.

Hysteria, when confronted with a highly emotional scenario, can make people swing to either end of the emotional spectrum instantaneously.
First you can be sobbing your heart out, next moment laughing hysterically.

In that Psychology class I remember reading an example of a woman losing a court case --and her rapist getting off scot-free-- because the ER doctor had charted that she, along with crying, also had 'inappropriate emotions' regarding her rape, and he proceeded to detail in her chart her hysterical (a word in itself which is negative towards women) laughter.

My sister, her husband, and I were sitting with our mother in her hospital room. Day One of her coma, leading to her death within days.

We were silent, sitting there. No words were the right ones.

It was time to leave her. We filed out of the room, down the hall, to the elevator, to the lobby.

We were silently walking to the parking lot when my brother-in-law broke the silence.

He ingenuously said, "I guess it's a little too late to ask your mother for her red clam sauce recipe . . . . "

My sister and I looked at each other. One second of incredulosity passed between us and then we simultaneously erupted into laughter and couldn't stop for five minutes.

I finally gasped out that yeah, he missed that ship.

I love my BIL to pieces and I'm forever grateful for him that night.

When it was Valentine's Day the very next year, I went through Mom's famous recipe clippings, found three for red clam sauce and enclosed them in a VD card to him.

It represented perfectly the circle of life that contains sorrow and joy and is ultimately summed up with love.

shaking his head like we were crazy. I'm sure he was up in heaven, looking down, shaking his head like his family was nuts. :0) same as it ever was.

I miss my grandmother's pistachio salad like CRAZY!!

This made me laugh hysterically, for real. I don't know why but in extremely stressful situations or when someone is very embarrassed? I laugh- and I mean I guffaw! It's terrible but I can't help it. Usually the more I try to stop the funnier it gets...

Thanks for the thread. :toast:

or are you used to it now?

but most of the time it only gets worse.

My friends and family know this about me.It makes them nervous and that in itself can cause me to lose it. Sometimes they can't help but laugh too but they'll stay away from me if it's something they can't handle the embarrassment over. The worst is when I'm by myself though.

I just apologize and if it gets too bad I just excuse myself.

Dad didn't have a dress shirt that wasn't discolored around the collar, so the family trudged downtown to buy a new one.
A very helpful sales clerk; who was not aware of the situation, attached herself to us. After a short discussion on what color we wanted to go with, we chose light blue.

And then it happened...the clerk proceeded to hold up two styles. "Does he prefer a straight collar, or a button-down one?"

My mom, who understandably was not thinking straight, answered "It doesn't matter, he's dead".

My brothers and I started laughing uncontrollably. That laughter lasted off and on for the next three days, which was exactly what we needed to get us through. Dad was probably laughing too, except for having to wear a "damn" dress shirt, which he detested, for all of eternity.

The clerk? Well; she couldn't get away from us fast enough. :)

OK, just to show how close laughter and tears are, my eyes are wet with tears from laughing...

A very funny story...thank you for sharing!


:)

When my father actually passed away, I was holding his hand, and checked his pulse. My mom leaned in about 2 minutes after he stopped breathing to close his eyes. (he passed very comfortably, thankfully)

When my mom reached over, he suddenly sat upright, and took an enormous gasp of breath, before settling back, and then that was it.

He scared my mom literally out of the room when he sat up. It was just the sort of moment my father would have created if he'd had the chance, being a huge prankster his whole life. Once we all started laughing, there was no stopping it. Even his sister was doubled over, laughing uncontrollably. It was the best thing that could have happened.

Anyone outside the family watching, would have assumed we were all insane.

:o

K and R.

A whole bunch of Mr P's and my friends came by that we used to go camping with. We set up a "campfire" circle with chairs in the back of the room. Then the fun began. For a short time I was able to forget the awfulness of the day. We laughed and I loved them all for making me laugh.

Same after my MIL died at my home. The hospice nurse came and arranged Mom on the bed, then we waited for the funeral people to come and pick her up. My SIL, sitting next to mom's hospital bed, leaned over to touch her hand and the bed started going up in the air...she nearly jumped out of her skin, and when we realized she had leaned on the bed positioning button, we laughed like hell. Coincidentally, our oil company guys were outside moving the oil spout to the tank in the basement so we could add a sunroom. They knew we were waiting for the funeral guys because we asked them to move their truck for the hearse, so when we remembered they were there, it made us crack up even more thinking what they must think of a bunch of maniacs laughing like hell with a dead body in the house.

After Mom left, we went to my SIL's house for pizza and dessert and we all laughed even more as we told funny stories about Mom and her husband who had passed 13 years earlier.

Sometimes "inappropriate" feelings or actions happen, and it's how many people deal with other feelings that are too painful to acknowledge.

part of the service, one of his brothers who was sufferring from vascular dementia turned to my aunt and speaking very loudly said, "Marie, taht looks just like John Angel up there!"

Brought down the house.

And REALLY pissed off a few relatives. I was happy for mom as she had ALS and had ZERO in the quality of life department.

Once one realizes what death is, it's a lot easier to cope with

but a few years ago when my aunt passed i was sitting up with her. It was the middle of the night and it was just so obvious it was her time to go. I held her hand and told her to go find her mama. She smiled and drifted away. Her death was easy. I was sad but it was her time.

I don't want to hang around with a bunch of sad people, crying and being generally miserable.

I want to celebrate the experiences, and impact the person we have gathered for, had on my life. To share those experiences with others, and learn what theirs were as well.

No funeral for me, thanks. I don't want to inflict that sort of experience on others.

He was quite sick for a long time and he knew he was dying.

While he was still lucid, he told my mom and sister (whose home he was staying at when he died) that he had some "rules".

He didn't want people to do a lot of crying (not easy to follow)

He didn't want people to wear black...he wanted them to wear bright colors.

and, finally, he wanted people to laugh and celebrate his life.

Well he died in February. We had the wake. We cried. We also laughed a bit.

We had the funeral. Again...tears...a little laughter.

Then we had the gathering afterward. It was a huge party. My brother would have loved it.

About the only really sad moment was when the song he and my youngest sister danced to on her wedding day was played. He had to take the place of their dad (not the same as my dad) because he was dead.

So my sister asked my son (same age as my brother) to dance with her. It was bittersweet. It hurt my heart.

But in general, we did my bro proud that day. He would have been one happy guy.

made me tear up a little. Thank you for sharing your story with us. :0)

My two sister and I were, of course, devastated by the loss of life and wanted to do something symbolic to honor those who had died. We decided to go to a little park in town to have a small ceremony. There was an area which had a large US flag flying so we went over there and lit candles, sang the Stars Spangled Banner, and said some solemn words. There were lots of tears. Then I remembered something derogatory I had heard a a right wing congressman say about Muslims and started telling them that he had said they are a bunch of guys wearing tablecloths tied on with fan belts. When I got to the part about the fan belts I started sputtering and could barely get the words out. They started laughing too and we stood there howling about that stupid image. It was a cathartic moment for all of us.

I don't handle funerals well, at all. Not sure why. I don't fear my own death, but even if I hate someone, I fall apart.

I was the ONLY one crying at my father's funeral (he was not a well liked man...hated, actually). My mother was sitting next to me, overtaken by Alzheimer's, and clueless. She tugged on my sleeve and pointed at the flagged draped coffin with the framed photo of my dad in in uniform and asked, "Who is that man? He looks familiar." I told her it was her husband and that he had died. "Oh. He was a nice man. I liked him." That set me off in another fit of sobbing. She put her hand on my knee and said, "Don't cry. He'll be back soon."

I friggin' lost it. My sister, on the other side of me lost it along with me. Not just a giggle, but a full on gaffaw. The priest who was just getting ready to deliver his sermon looked like the devil himself had just taken over. My brother was frowning and mumbling to his wife, who was looking at us like she REALLY wanted in on the joke.

Once the service was over, we explained what had happened to my brother so he could laugh, as well. He did, but felt bad about it.

But, honestly, I can't remember the first time I laughed after 9/11. But, you are correct in saying we haven't healed. I still get the same surreal feeling each time I watch the videos. I just can't imagine. I felt no fear, only anger and hatred for a group of people and a man that knew nothing of us, but chose to punish us by killing indiscriminately. Not caring about the children that spent their last moment in fear and confusion.

Super glad he's dead. And, I'm not ready to laugh about it...yet.

when she gets nervous or upset she starts laughing. She can't help it. So I always make sure am not around her if something bad happens.

FIL's funeral. No one knew we were laughing hysterically but we laughed through the whole thing. I can't explain it but it sure made us both feel better. I totally understand.

She always said she didn't want to live to be 100, so when the preacher said "Myrtle lived to within four months of her 100th birthday" all I could think was that she did this on purpose so she didn't have to be 100 years old. I whispered this to my sister, and the uncontrollable laughter ensued.

God must have made sobbing and laughing look exactly the same from behind for this very reason!

Well said

for friends/relatives.

Limits the accumulation of wealth and lets their last memory of the deceased be a positive one.

I think I like that system better.

it's shown me some true colors, and those colors aren't complimentary to their complexion

or their Party. The 'get rid of the left and we'll win more elections' ones were very educational, in fact.

But thank you. The effort is appreciated.



edit:typo

funeral, my brother, sister and I started telling 'grandma' stories and laughed til we cried the whole ride. It was a great farewell to her.

I think that should I get the giggles at a funeral of someone I'm merely acquainted with, I would leave.. out of respect for others-- regardless of my own mood.

That is in fact, part and parcel of what "peace people" means to me.

.
.
.
We had a small immediate-family-only service for my older brother (my role
model and hero while growing up). We were all devastated COMPLETELY by
the unexpected, sudden death of this incredible 33-year-old man.
.
.
My little brother held the front door for everyone and looked on the verge of
losing it -- fighting it very hard. I was the last one in and I could tell he was
looking at what I had slipped into his hand because he was laughing.
.
I had tipped him a nickel.
.
.
.
None of us had remained "among the faithful" except for MiddleFingerMomMom.
She sat on the end of the single pew we were ALL sitting in. We all cued off
of her for when to sit and stand and kneel.
.
About 10-15 minutes into the service, I nudged my sister and we both fought
the giggles HARD (not very successfully) when I asked her if she realized that
we were all doing "The Wave".
.
.
The priest smiled at us -- not in the least bit surprised or upset at such "odd"
behavior at a time like that.
.
.
.
.
MiddleFingerMomMom was dying at the age of 81 in hospice on 9/11 (her body
was shutting down peacefully in stages -- no doubt about the outcome). I had
gone home to shower and saw the horrible events unfolding on TV, but went
back because I obviously had other priorities than the WTC at the time. I think
I may have a little different perspective on the matter than most of the people
I know because of those circumstances.
.
.
.

When 9-11 happened, anyone I knew who came to me and started moaning that neocon line about how things had changed forever was forced to listen to Stan Freberg's "Try". I still stand by my decision of the time - I only wish I'd sat them down to the Project for a New American Century at the same time.