Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex

TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible. During a press conference, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards told reporters that the new state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility located in the nation's heartland offers quick, easy, in-and-out abortions to all women, and represents a bold reinvention of the group's long-standing mission and values.

"Although we've traditionally dedicated 97 percent of our resources to other important services such as contraception distribution, cancer screening, and STD testing, this new complex allows us to devote our full attention to what has always been our true passion: abortion," said Richards, standing under a banner emblazoned with Planned Parenthood's new slogan, "No Life Is Sacred." "And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it's going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day."

"The Abortionplex's high-tech machinery is capable of terminating one pregnancy every three seconds," Richards added. "That's almost a million abortions every month. We're so thrilled!"

The 900,000-square-foot facility has more than 2,000 rooms dedicated to the abortion procedure. The abundance of surgical space, Richards said, will ensure that women visiting the facility can be quickly fitted into stirrups without pausing to second-guess their decision or consider alternatives such as adoption. Hundreds of on-site counselors are also available to meet with clients free of charge and go over the many ways that carrying a child to term will burden them and very likely ruin their lives.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/planned-parenthood-opens-8-billion-abortionplex,20476/?utm_source=recentnews

that the National Review and other assorted shitholes of "conservative thought" will post this as an actual news story.

I'll have to keep my eyes open, it could be funny.

and some of the far-right religious orgs (Focus on the Family, etc.) would flood our fax machine with press releases every week or so...This onion piece is only a notch or two above what they would really send us when protesting a clinic or court ruling or whatever...

decisions around abortion are just laughing their silly heads off at this one.

Of course, the joke isn't on Planned Parenthood, it's holding a mirror up to the extremist anti-choice jerkoffs by playing up and mocking their worst generalizations and stereotypes...

A better story would be about the Osama Bin Laden of the anti-choice movement living in an apartment in Jersey while directing bombing attacks
against clinics...oh, wait a minute, you said satire.

...started reading and thought "This has GOT to be from The Onion"...and sure enough, t'was.

Anyone want to make a bet on how long it's gonna take for some crazy righteouswinger to decide this is "real" and subsequently embarrass themselves (possibly becoming an internet meme in the process) by having hysterics over it?

Sorta like that one poor schmuck did with a previous Onion article on the same subject...

http://www.theonion.com/articles/im-totally-psyched-about-this-abortion,10931/