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See, usually I would never ask someone with any particular religious/supernatural belief to explain themselves, after all, that would be like explaining faith and that seems a bit presumptuous.
But I guess the theme here is that after three, count 'em, three failed attempts to flutter away in the breeze with the Peter Pan version of Jesus, leaving the rest of us to suffer the de rigeur earthly torment, and I presume, looking backwards and laughing at us shouting "IN YOUR FACE, SINNERS!!!", I think that your continued presence on this earth DOES require you to come clean with a few things. I think that after suffering your doomsday prognostications three times (and presumably because you will be subjecting us to this obstinately-omnipresent, eye-rolling stupidity at least one more time), you owe the rest of us unclean, unwashed, and most of all unrepentant personages a bit of an explanation.
I do believe that our now-wavering patience with you has earned us a moment of truth, and I'm not letting you off the hook until I hear it.
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What, nothing? Well, in all fairness, I didn't really ask any questions, I just basically opened the floor to you for a little extemporaneous speech, but clearly, that's a bit like an essay question, isn't it? I will take it from the silence that you prefer multiple choice, true-false, and maybe even a little fill-in-the-blanks. So be it.
First, we'll start off with the obvious, and we will make it in the form of a fill-in-the-blank.
Your question: I believe that the Rapture will happen in my lifetime, and specifically be a positive experience for me because I've earned a place within it. I believe that I have earned it because I ___________________________.
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Too tough a question? Kind of odd, I think, because really, all you have to do is explain why you deserve to be Raptured. Clearly you do, or you wouldn't be rooting for its ostensible arrival. So what is the reason you will be one of the few and the proud? What, is it your charming personality? You think you would make a good addition to the heavenly hosts, and you'd really work hard to be unfailingly interesting? You have a unique set of skills that you believe heaven could really not do without? No?
Wait. Let me see if I've got this. You've given yourself over to Jesus Christ as your personal savior, and you think that's it? Well, here is the issue with this... according to the accounts, only 144,000 people are going to have the distinct honor of going to heaven without actually dying first. Now, over the past 20 years, in preparation for the turn of the millennium (yet another one of those cute Rapture temporal nexus points) more than 144,000 people have become "born-again" or whatever the terminology of late has been, I'm sure most if not all of them believe equally in their own being deserving of the honor. So how do we cull the field a bit to get ourselves under the 144,000 mark? What additional requirements could there be? Will there be a righteousness playoff of some form where you try to out-holier-than-thou each other? Two Rapturists enter, one Rapturist leaves? Some kind of pre-apocalyptic Thunderdome? Will tickets be made available to the general population, because that's something I want to see, especially if you have to pummel each other while attached to bungee cords.
Still no answer. Well, let me fill it in for you. --> "I believe that I have earned it because I <believe that I am a special little snowflake even though I have nothing but an unfailing fear of my own mortality to justify such a privilege>"
What, harsh? Well, you can feel free to phrase this yourself but you aren't really being all that forthcoming. Never mind that, let's just move on to the multiple choice question.
You believe that in all of recorded history the world would end during your life span because:
A) The Scriptures point to clear evidence that we are all doomed and that right soon.
B) I've spoken to the Big Guy himself and he says the plans are already finalized. I have it on tape, but because no one else can hear Him, I had to fill in His part of the conversation in post production.
C) I believe 2012 was a documentary, not a work of fiction like some claim.
D) I'm here. Duh.
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Nothing? Really? Was it none of the above? That's a legitimate response. Only problem with that response is it would imply that you'd need to justify the answer in your own words, and we all know how you feel about the essay questions.
If I had to make a guess, based upon what I believe is a big steaming pile of unjustified personal exceptionalism, I'm going to go with D. Just nod if you agree.
OK, last question, then I'll consider this friendly inquiry complete, my curiosity sated. This one is an easy one. True-false question. Remember that if any part of the statement I'm about to pose to you is false, then the entire statement is false. OK? We ready? Here we go.
"It is more likely that the world will end on my watch, with myself being spared the ignominious end, simply due to my unswerving faith and belief in the specialty of my own existence, than it is that it won't end and I will live my life in my own unique way, only to have it end as countless billions before mine have ended."
True or false?
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C'mon, offer up a little something. Justify this to me, I want to know that you are comfortable in your belief, that you take it seriously, and that you really just aren't wasting everyone's time and diverting our attention from real issues, real life, and the very real problems we face. After all, that would be selfish as all get out, wouldn't it? But I guess the exceptionalist I believe you to be wouldn't really have a problem with a little selfishness.
Still no answer? Fine, based upon your previous non-responses, I'll put you down for a true on this one.
Since you are leaving all of this up to me anyway, let me just tell you what I've learned.
Rapturists are selfish, egoist, and more importantly ridiculous. The degree of personal exceptionalism that it would take to actually believe that somehow you are so important to the very spiritual fate of the world that it would wait until you show up for the final act BOGGLES THE IMAGINATION. And I feel sorry for you.
Wait, what?
Yes, I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because, in order to believe in the Rapture means that you have to suspend your life, your experiences, and your belief in a future just to be faithful to the idea. When it doesn't happen, after you've quit your job, and after your life savings have been given away, and you are left wondering what the hell you're still doing on earth, you'll not get the hint. You'll claim the date was improperly calculated, or that conditions had changed, or some other lame excuse for your GIVING UP ON LIFE. No, you'll look for the next prognostication, the next date, the next excuse to GIVE UP.
Do yourself a favor and grow up, face life, and do something REAL. Do something to make the world the better place you wish it was. Yes, that's difficult, and failure is not only likely but probable, but have some fucking stones and make the effort. Quit running away from inevitability and rejoin the world of the living. The last thing you want is to be on your deathbed wondering why you wasted your life frittering about with the conditions of its end rather than living it while you had the chance. To know that you aren't the special little snowflake that you so assiduously convinced yourself that you were... to have your misapprehensions about your relative value to the universe exposed to you at the last gasp? Hard truth to take at the final moment, I would think, no?
And look at it this way, even if the world really does end while the people of today are living on it, you can take solace in the fact that you lived well while you lived, right up to the brink, with courage and value, and you will meet your end in the company of billions of others who did the same. Wouldn't that be a positive way to go?
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Just say, "I agree". Or perhaps more appropriately, "Amen".
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