today I discovered I am a coward

there is no way to put it but that. I watched a show on a national tv channel and I knew the "rest of the story". It involved white flight and racism that exists and I was going to post here and tell about it. I was worried, because someone might read it and some family would consider me a traitor.

My aunt called to check on me and I told her about it. I began to voice my true opinions and she was getting more and more upset with me. She told me "with the leukemia you need to not let this stuff upset you". I let her change the topic. why? I am sick and poor and last fall when my truck broke she was only person who offered to help me. She sent money for me to get it fixed.

It reminded me of growing up and me asking my Mom when she warned me to speak to a certain goup of men if they spoke to me. But to say clear of them because they were evil and belonged to KKK. I was indignant and angry at her and swore I would never do that. Her reason was she was widow and alone with 4 young daughters to raise and could not challenge or be rude to them. She could not risk it.

I have no children to worry about. But I am poor and sick and I may need help again and I did not post and I can't. I am a coward. Yet another way being sick and poor is destroying me.
seems selling your soul is easier than I thought.

had a lot of chronic illness. She also had a fundie family. She could only go so far in her disagreements with them, because she had no one else to help her.

It is understandable.

You did voice your opinion. When your aunt got upset with it, you allowed her to change the subject. Big woop. Your words didn't get unsaid. There was simply no need to continue into a harangue.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

:grouphug:

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the cowards are those who refuse you Universal Health Care...

If you were, you wouldn't be here posting about it.

It takes considerable courage to do what you've done, considerable courage...

Be gentle with yourself...

:hug:

that most of us know when to just give up on arguing a point. Some people will never accept your views, and will cling to their views no matter how much evidence they are giving to the contrary. It is smart to save your energy for those who may be receptive to learning another opinion.

I think many of us have to avoid confrontations with some people in our lives, whether it is family, coworkers, or friends. Don't beat yourself up over it. All of us have to depend on other people in times of need, and ruining those relationships is not smart.

Be good to yourself.

is a race of cowards. And I am not only marching in that procession--I am carrying a banner."

Mark Twain

(at the end of an essay wherein he had attacked warmongers rather severely, and in contrast found those who were reluctant to go about starting conflicts--for whatever reasons but definitely including cowardice, to demonstrate virtue by comparison)

for your kind words. Not so sure I am ready to let me off the hook. I will continue to do what I can. but this site is good for me, it makes me think.
It did get me to finally donate to this site, I thought at least I can do that. so I got a gold star today too.

what got me thinking was reading about the member here who picked up the older female hitchiker and discussion about the "deserving" poor. It made me think of all the little ways being poor and especially poor and sick robs you of your dignity, day by day, drip by drip. well that is overstating in my case, I am disappointed in me today,but I will get over it. Seems I have a deep seated survival instinct and a mostly good out look. But sometimes those drips are felt, I can't imagine what that woman has suffered.

( kou ' ər-dĭs ) n. Ignoble fear in the face of danger or pain.
Ignoble: not noble in character or quality; dishonorable; base; mean

From what I read in that post the definitions do not apply, therefor you are not a coward, you are doing what is required in taking care of yourself, I see nothing in your actions that were "base,mean or dishonorable".

You expressed yourself. What could possibly have been gained by pushing harder? Argument will not change well-meaning people with emotionally embedded notions. Had you persisted, all you would have accomplished would have been to alienate someone who has proved herself to have a good heart. And for nothing.

You have to speak up, you have to act, when you are strong enough to do it. Because there will be days when you aren't strong enough and on those days others will have to speak up and act for you as well as themselves.

No one can be strong and brave every moment. Nor is acknowledging weakness some terrible sin.

You do what you can. But you don't beat yourself up when you can't. That's the day somebody else gets to step up and be strong. That's the obligation. We all have to take our turns.

And being kind and forbearing to someone who has been kind to you is not a weakness either.

You don't sound like a coward to me.

Think of Martin Luther King. Think of Abraham Lincoln. Think of Robert Kennedy.

Today I wore my Russ Feingold T shirt, which has a spine down the back, because he always stands up for what he believes in... it made me feel strong.

Sometimes, you just need to put yourself first and take the time to heal. Take a stand when you're feeling stronger.

:hug: